Friday, August 26, 2011

That "Stranger Danger" Feeling

This dude wants to eat your toenails and sit in a bathtub full of your hair

Holy It's Finally Friday, Batman!! Fire up the party cannons!!

So, I have been kind of anti social on here lately because of my lack of sleep and the amount of running around and busy busy busy my life has been has left me with not much time to be blogging except in the middle of the night when I am having insomnia issues. But even then, whining about no sleep is getting boring and I need some new material or there's no point to even log on here that late.

I'm here for you right now though!! Do you feel the love? So snuggly and warm and not at all creepy right?

Ok, so speaking of creepy, do you know that internal creepy danger feeling you get sometimes? That internal radar that tells you something is wrong? Well I just want to put this out there, there is this dude painting a white house on my street at the corner. He's been working on it recently and he listens to his radio really loud and it's like 50's and 60's era music. He stares at me when I walk past. I mean, the kind of stare that makes me think I need to go take a shower immediately. My arm hairs all prickle up around him, even when I don't notice him there. When I make eye contact, he doesn't break the stare, he just follows me with his eyes before I pass , as I pass, and after I pass. I don't feel like he's getting a boner or checking me out as a cute girl though, I get the feeling he wants to very slowly cut me into little pieces and do really bad torturous serial killer things and get away with it because he's random painter dude that no one notices. I feel kinda guilty saying this, but I swear, I'm always freaked out when I pass him. He knows where I live. He knows I'm by myself and the only protection I have is a dog the size of a horse. Which is good protection but still.

Anyway, if anything bad happens to me, he should be a suspect. And also anyone who reads this blog because now you can kill me and it can get blamed on the painter dude.

I will admit sometimes I am a little too paranoid. I hate Trick or Treat because if someone wanted to stab me, they could ring my doorbell like a trick or treater and then stab me and I would scream and there would be blood everywhere and everyone would clap because OMG THAT LOOKS SO REAL!! and no one would know I was really dead til the candy bowl ran out.

I also hate fireworks because someone could shoot me and no one would notice a loud popping noise.

Sometimes I dial 911 and have my finger on send when I see creepy looking people walking near me. I also take a deep breath and poke my stomach out and have bad posture so I look pregnant. Pregnant women are sweet and precious and also if they murder me it's two counts not just one and so that makes me a less attractive victim than a non pregnant person in case they get caught. Also, I like to wear heels because I can beat the crap out of someone with them. I don't like mace because I haven't practiced with it and would likely end up getting maced myself. So I don't have that. I also pretend to be talking on the phone when I walk past creepy looking people because if they try to murder me I could yell their description into the phone. I also keep lots of loose things in my purse so that if I got attacked and dragged I would have the option of dropping things in a trail so i could be found. Oh look it's my lipstick. My reciept from the Grocery Store. My glasses. My hairband. ETC.

I do not know how to ninja chop someone but it's on my agenda.

So, yes, I am afraid of being abducted, but these things run through my head when I see creepy looking people. This painting dude makes me FEEL creeped out inside and out. I just shivered again. I hope he finishes his job soon and goes away.

Hmm....well my blog's not that funny today, but I did go to Britney last night and will blog about that later maybe tomorrow, I just decided that I'm sleepy.

Have a happy weekend!! <3


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Hallo, Norwegia. I'm FAT!!! (TMI!)

I still can't sleep. It's so frustrating I don't even really wanna blog about it but I'm sitting here and I hate TV and Facebook is all full of earthquake jokes and I'm in a pissy mood. However, I got two new blog readers from Norway, so I thought I'd just throw something up here to let you know that. I also know that Norway is not called Norwegia. It's been a crazy week here in NC so far. Today we had the "earthquake" and Thursday I hear we're getting slammed with a hurricane. Busy, busy.

In other news, it's the end of the month so that means I'm going to probably have my monthly meltdown like clockwork. By my estimation it will be Friday. Based on my last one. I didn't even blog about that, but squash soup ended up on the wall, I rebroke my toe and I also sliced two of my fingers really bad I thought they needed stitches. Then my husband and kids scrambled to make me a chocolate cake so I'd come out of my room.

I could stop right there and let you believe that I'm badass like a honey badger and that I don't care, but actually, I was trying to make a cream soup like they have on the Queen Mary 2, every day a different "cream of" and they are all delicious. Anyway, I was boiling the squash and then I thought I would just puree it but you can't do that when it's hot because basically it explodes everywhere and scalds your face too.

Also, it's a good idea to put the dog outside because when you have a dog that is basically pony size like we do (he's a rhodesian ridgeback) he likes to hang out in the kitchen and lie on the floor and guard the food or something except he just gets in the way and you might bump into him when you have a knife and jump when he growls and slice your finger. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. Sadface.

Also, watch where the hell you are going because when you have a broken toe that just healed, stubbing it again when running to get towel for your scalding face doesn't really help either.

On any normal night all of these things happening would make me just cry but during the week before my period, and especially on the meltdown day (calculated exactly one month from the last one) bad things happen. Most people would act all crazy if that many unfortunate things happened to them in a row. I usually just blog about it or write facebook updates about my bad luck and I get sympathy. But during meltdown week...oh lordy...

I threw a fit so heinous and stompy that no one knew what to do. But they're warned when meltdown week begins. It's like shark week, but way more personal. Anyway when the meltdown happens, everyone knows to just leave it alone, leave me in my room for 15 to 30 minutes , sobbing, and don't dare ever tell me I'm wrong or you'll die. And get me chocolate. If you follow those simple rules you will survive me.

Do I feel really bad that this happens? Yes. I am telling you I can't help it. A lot of women get bitchy and mean or during PMS or are just bottom line crazy all the time and they don't care. I think that I'm a good deal because I only act insane one day a month, and I'm kind of pissyish the days leading up but otherwise harmless. Anyway google PMDD I do not have time to justify it. Wait yes I do. Ha.

Anyways so it's meltdown week. Someone's getting it probably Friday. I doubt Thursday because it's the Britney Spears concert. I always get good seats though thanks to my ticket ninja and my ticket jesus. They're seperate entities, but thanks to being very well connected, I never have to put up with stupid people stepping on me or jostling me at a concert again. I also get my own VIP entrance most of the time, so I dont wait in line either. So, Thursday, it is not likely that someone is going to get hurt. Unless they provoke me. Then I will smash them.

And lets just be honest here, by "smash" I mean probably stomp and go on a rant of some kind that probably has some bad words in it, that will conclude with me hiding in my room. I know, really scary. It's more like a toddler fit but sometimes they're funny. I dont mind telling you about them.

Um, oh, I call it Metldown Week because I think it could happen like, any day, with my antisocial behavior and crampy tummy marking day one, and my tolerance for idiots dwindling steadily and my pants size going from loose 4 to tight 6 due to my stupid fat stomach getting all pregnant like, until like day 5 when the meltdown happens. But it could happen any day.

The good news is that I can park in the expectant mother parking at Harris Teeter and then walk with bad posture and no one ever questions me.

just gimme the chocolate and no one gets hurt...

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Friday, August 19, 2011

I Lost A Bet and This Is The Worst Version of Super Bass Ever

I'm not even embedding it. I hate it that much. You can click it if you care that much. I hate you.


Sleep Would Be Ideal.

I am so tired, and I am still awake! and it's like 4:25 AM. This is the 5th night out of 7 that this has been going on. I have cut down severely on caffiene and I bounce between totally energetic and exhausted but my brain never slows down. It's dark and quiet and I am not even in the mood to chat or text or communicate with anyone interactively. I mean it feels good to to type this because otherwise I'm just sitting here staring at nothing. Then I spend the entire day dragging. It's crazy. I did take a Trazodone last night and it did knock me out but I had a vivid, long, weird dream and it was so vivid it made me feel mentally worn out when I woke up.

Also there are the migraines that are coming along with the caffiene withdrawal. I have to take excedrine migraine to cure them it's the only thing that works and then WHAM I'm better again for a while until my body wears out and my brain still ticking away. Wondering what I have to do tomorrow, and at what time? My stupid car is still messed up. Do the kids have everything they need for when school starts? When does choir start? Did we get our plane tickets for New York yet? I wonder what I will write about next in the magazine, I wonder if I will be successful, I wonder if blah blah blah blah blah omg BLAH for reals. I just need it to pause. If I just go back to my normal caffiene intake I'd be fine. Everything got out of whack when I cut down and the headaches started. One cup of coffee rather than two pots. One Dr Pepper rather than three. And only one dose of Excedrine Migrain for the headache because it also has caffiene.
Had a pretty scary medical issue this past weekend and one of the neurologists and cardiologists common reccomendations was CUT DOWN ON THE CAFFIENE!!

Anyway, I think I will try a bubble bath with lavendar and some sleepytime tea. If that doesn't work, I guess I'll just surrender and watch pay per view. Good thing it's Friday.


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Thursday, August 18, 2011

Reasons Why. (TMI..)

I want to preface this by letting you know that this isn't gonna be one of the sillies. The information might make you a little uneasy if you are new to my little following. My regulars who have followed me through the years know this story already, but that was another blog. So don't bother yourself with this if you already know, I have told this story before and I will tell it to anyone who has the time and patience to seriously ask me why I get so damn excited about every little thing. I think I want to kind of peel back a layer and tell you why I have so much joy. I almost lost it all not so long ago. I have also had people reach out to me who have felt the same way, and if my story helps someone else, if it helps someone turn a corner then I will tell it til my face is blue. I have no shame on this matter other than the bad decisions that got me there.

I wasn't supposed to turn out the way I did originally. I grew up with everything. I graduated from one of the most prestigious high schools in the southwest with good grades. I went to college on scholarship. I have won trophies. I have been crowned. Two consecutive years I held a title with a tiara. I owned one of the best show horses around at the time. I won blue ribbons, I won jewelry. My family loved me and supported everything I did.

When I got married I didn't think it'd end in a divorce. But it did. and I won't disclose all the terrible awful of it, but I definitely had a role in the demise. I am kind of a brat sometimes. I'm better at filtering that though now.

I didn't want the divorce. I realized and took responsibility for the mistakes I made as best as I could, but my distress tolerance skills just weren't healthy. I have never had anyone actually leave me and never look back. I even cringed when I typed that. It was so awful.

I avoided the bad feelings and I worked as many hours at my airline as I could just to stay away from home. I bolted across the atlantic when I didn't have my kids. Sounds nice, but it's really a watered down airline perk.

When I was home, I used adderall to control my adhd so I could focus on doing things like making the kids dinner, cleaning up, things that seem natural to a normal person. I wasn't functional without it. And sometimes with it, I'd hyperfocus on my sadness and be unable to function. All those good intentions, sitting in my stomach like poison. I literally would stare at the wall for hours. Praying to just...fade away.

I lost my appetite. Stress is the best diet. I started getting positive feedback, so I added excercise and became addicted to losing weight. My company interventioned me and sent me to an inpatient eating disorder facility in Florida. I thought if I stopped, my husband and I could work things out, if I could just relax and have a fresh start. It didn't work out that way, the damage ran too deep and the disorder got even worse. I lost so much weight I couldn't pick my head up sometimes because it took too much energy. It took too much energy to make tears. So I'd take the ADD medicine and wind up enough to go back to work, but my heart began to malfunction and I ended up back in the hospital and back into counseling. The airline environment was like high school. The women were catty and they were horrible to me when I started getting sick. I had this huge blog following, 15,500 readers, because I blogged about my feelings. They got ahold of it at work and used it for more ridicule. It didn't have my name or anyone elses but they knew who was posting. I used the blog for therapy, and sometimes my version of what happened whatever day I talked about was exaggerated. I knew they were reading it but I also didn't want to quit and let them win. They were brutal. Brutal, brutal, brutal. Brutal. Words do not express the hateful things that were said to me because of my divorce situation, my appearance, and my bag of pills I had to carry around all day just to survive emotionally and physically.

I realized that putting things out there was making me look bad but I really just wanted help. I couldn't be honest with my family because I felt like a failure. All that potential. All that money spent refining me, what a waste.

When I was able to work, I would need the adderall, then I had the ambien and valium to calm me down at night. I had the worst panic attacks. My heart was so damaged from the malnutrition
Eventually my grief got so bad that it overcame the resources I had to cope. On July 7th 2009, I had had enough. I had myself convinced my life was so far off the path, my internal GPS lost its battery, and my soul was sleepy and apathetic. I had been saving ambiens for the occasion. I'd been thinking about it a while, but I never told anyone while I was planning it. I didn't want to be stopped. I didn't want to be helped. It was too late, no one cared to help me before. My kids were better off. I really thought that. I was always crying. I was always in the hospital. Sometimes they brought me sandwiches and begged me to eat. No child should have to do that for someone who destroyed their own body. I was so ashamed. Yes, I decided it was better for them to be free of me.

I walked off the job during my break. There was an hour before my next flight. I figured all I needed was 30 minutes and a quiet spot. I took my car to the overlook adjacent to the 18R runway and I was terrified but relieved that it would be over soon. I didn't want people "be sorry" I wanted to no longer exist. I took my Dr. Pepper and I emptied the bottle of its contents. A fistful of little blue pills went down so easily I had to check my hand to make sure I really took that many. All gone. It's over. Ambien works *like that*. My phone rang and rang. They must have noticed I was gone. I ignored the calls. I felt fuzzy. I passed out. The thing about ambien is that you drunken dial. It is famous for sleepwalking side effects, sleep eating, and phone conversations that the person doesn't even remember. I must have answered my mom's call or called her. I don't know. I briefly woke up and thought, why is there a flower on my face. I tried to pull it off. My hand was swatted away. So I fell back asleep. I faded in for seconds and out for hours. I was intubated, and that was the flower I thought I had on my nose. I dontknow why I thought it was a flower. I just did. There was so much blood when the tube was removed that it should have hurt. But it didn't, I just passed back out.

When I woke up fully, I realized what I did and I realized it didn't work. I was so pissed off but so sore from the tubes that I could barely talk. Now I'm going to get ridiculed even more.

Two weeks in that hospital, but I would have stayed longer. My job let me know I was still safe with them. Well great. Right back into the snake pit. I didn't have a choice.

Back to eating rehab back to counseling.....a year of that shit. I finally prayed for this to just stop for it all to just lift and I could just at least have something to look forward to.

My family became very supportive when the gravity of the situation was recognized. Ten minutes longer in that car would have been the end.

I don't know at what point it turned around but I think it was the prayer. I prayed so hard I fell asleep that way.

I went back to work to those assholes that always had something to say. I stopped blogging so much unless I just had happy reports because screw them I wasn't gonna add fuel to the fire. I missed it but I kept going. I didn't have an intimate relationship with another man for a year. I gave up, I LOL'd in my head at the thought of ever finding love. Whatever, I didn't need it anyway.

In January 2010, I saw a commercial and I felt compelled to fill out a profile. I was lonely. I wanted a friend at least to take me to dinner, something. Maybe I wanted someone to date, someone to just sit with, they didnt even have to be hot. I was so lonely.

The first message I got was from David. We met for coffee a few days later. We fell in love like the movies. We had a relationship like the movies. We had the most stupid fights but we had so much love. He never told me no, he gave me alternative suggestions. He always brushed my hair out of my eyes. He kissed my eyes when I got sleepy. He brought me chocolate. We were so stupid in love. I told him in the beginning that I was not looking for a husband, no freaking way, just please someone to spend time with that had kids. That way he had other priorities. I wasn't gonna let myself be a bad mom ever again, so there wouldnt be room for any more love in my heart but I sure needed company. Ha ha ha, well, I could just go on and on about our delicious courtship. It really was the stuff of movies. This man is the flower sending, handwritten letter kind. He still is. I married him. I married him and I had the most opulent Cinderella wedding ever. And do you know what? Those airline hags started treating me differently when I became ....whatever it was they found validation in. So I invited those people to the Ritz Carlton wedding. And fed them lobster and let them drink unlimited Vueve Clicquot. Because I forgave them, mostly. But I will never forget those ugly things they said, and might still say now that I've taken up blogging again. I just don't care.

I left the airline, started my own businesses and now I'm doing great. I find joy in everything I can find joy in. I almost didn't to experience this so I'm going to revel in every small wonder, every little pleasure, every positive emotion, Im going to savor and spread and record because something inside me knew I belonged here...I just guess I got a little too impatient.

I love, love, love my family and friends. I love me, for the first time ever, in the history of my whole life, I am proud of where I am, of what I've overcome and what is waiting ahead. If I hit another rough spot, I'll ask for help immediately. I will finish my bucket list and I will die an old, fulfilled woman, with lots of grandkids and great grandkids and I will tell them I love them every single day. There is not enough time left in this life not to fill it with laughter every chance you get. This I know to be true.


My First Article for the Magazine!!

The hills are alive with the sound of meeeeeeee being happy..lalala

Ok, so here's where the blog and my professional stuff clash because I just can't keep this to myself. So readers, please realize that this is my personal blog. My goofball behavior is a nice little release, and the opinions expressed are mine and not this magazine's. I'm a lady on the street and a freak in the bed. And by lady I mean magazine and by bed I mean blog. So hopefully my mom didn't just faint after that comment. I couldn't resist. I didn't really mean that. That's just silly. Look, I don't really edit this blog for grammar and all that crap. I agonize over these features I do for and also for this magazine. This is just me time. And I appreciate your sharing it with me.

So click this link, my loves,at the bottom and read my very first work. Guess what's next? Guess again! Nope not yet. Ok I'll tell you. You were getting warmer though. Next, the print edition comes out and I will have a different feature in there with a lovely interview with an awesome lady. Wanna know what happens before each print issue is launched? A launch party. And this magazine has a reputation for fancy, awesome,holy-crap-you-really-made-it type shindigs. And I can't wait for my debut party. Because guess what. I have always wanted to write for a magazine. A fashion magazine. And talk about shoes. And have creative control over what I write. CHECK!!! CHECK IT OFF MY BUCKET LIST!!

Guess what's next on the list. A book. I already finished one and had a deal with a publisher, but the company bankrupted and that's ok because I dont want to publish that book anymore. It's from when I was sad. Rear view. I wanna do something new and exciting.

I also wanted to have my own business. Guess what? I own three of them now all under one umbrella called Shannon Dawn, LLC.

Other things I have checked off the list:
Modeling, Photography school, real estate school, real estate commission check of $15,000 or higher on a single sale (once, Palisades, Mediterranean with basement and optional attic),own Louboutin shoes, write a sitcom pilot,send it to a network,be on the radio, be a reporter, be in a magazine, meet Justin Furstenfeld, see Starry Night, have a fairy tale wedding, dance with my dad.

Things still left to do:
Kiss someone I love under the Eiffel Tower
Go to Greece
Publish a book
Go to the MET Costume Gala
Buy my husband a fancy car
Pay for my kids college in advance
Take my mom on the Queen Mary 2
Take my mom to the Tower of London,
Complete Invisalign/Braces treatment and this time wear my retainers at night
Get interviewed on TV for something I accomplished
Take flying lessons
Paint a picture that hangs in a gallery
Take a hot air balloon ride

I'm sure there's more, I'll keep editing when I think of them

without further adieu, here is my first official work for this magazine.

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I'm so excited I'm going to pop.

I'm going to preface this by telling you all that I get excited over little things. I mean, I really do. I'm so cheesy, I cost extra at the drive thru. Haha, was that funny? I thought it was. I just made that up. BAM.

For example, if someone is nice to me at a restaurant or in the service industry, especially airline, I will write a letter about how nice they were because it makes me so happy that there are nice people left. Everyone wants to complain nowadays. I mean I complain alot too but I try to be sweet.

That gets me stepped on often and I already know I'm weird so I'm aware of all that.

That being said, I have had great news this week professionally.

I know it's really hard to incorporate professional with this blog, but it's a complete seperate thing sort of.

So, I got this job contributing at this awesome really popular magazine, and my first interview went great!! It goes to print in the next issue and I get to go to a issue launch party which I have heard are very elaborate and exciting and fun. YAY!!

Also, I covered my first event for that magazine's online version and that should show up soon. My editor, the main editor told me that she needed her best writers to cover Fashion's Night Out at the Metropolitain and then she asked me. OMG best and me in the same sentence. That was so great!! Plus, the coordinator Effie is my sweet, sweetest pal and I love her so much I can't wait to do it. I'm so proud of her.

I'm proud of me too! I just got assigned to interview my favorite blogger, Brittney Cason, for a feature. She's taking over the morning spot on a local station and I think she's great. I have read her blogs for years.
I also relate to her so I'm all thrilled to do this professionally and personally. I swear that girl probably is going to think she's gonna need security because I was so excited to meet her when Breeze from the same station introduced us at Maroon 5.

Let me back it up. I cried when I saw Van Gogh's Starry Night. It inspired me. I loved that painting my whole life. When I finally "met" it I cried. I cried on the elevator ride up to the impressionist wing at the museum. I mean not like boo hoo ing but SO excited it leaked out my eyes.

I also cry at the end of every movie where the love story works out. I was inspired that love and soul mates and sweet nothings existed even though they really didn't before, so when they work out on screen , I feel excited and inspired and I finally found that in someone else and I married him. I cried SO SO hard and ran up the aisle. I could barely talk. It was horrible/awesome. I'll post a video.

I am inspired by my kids, when they dress up and look older and bigger and are going to dances. They're my stepkids. But they're my kids. They inspire me every day. I cried when Natalie went to her bat mitzvah. She looked so big and grown up!!

So, things that inspire me are dear to my heart, and Brittney Cason has made me laugh even when I was having a shitty day and a shitty personal life when nothing else seemed funny!! So yes, I'm excited in this non creepy fan way, but so thankful that she had a role in keeping that smile on my face when I went through some really hard times. I'm grateful for her and she has a career she started from blogging.

So to get this interview with this magazine with this person is a big deal to me and I am so thankful that my life is going the way I always hoped it would.

So please cross your fingers with me and hope that her management okays the interview because it's work for the magazine and it's meeting one of my favorite people.

I'm late for something now, but I just wanted to put that out there because I'm just so pleased with my life. YAY!!

Congratulations to me, moving forward, being motivated, meeting goals!!


Okay, you're all thinking it....

Yes I write professionally as why are my blogs so full of grammar and punctuation errors? Because I don't feel like editing my blog. I can't , it ruins my flow. I'm not going to agonize over this blog. Did you know it takes me about four hours to write an article for my column on Examiner and all day of agonizing for my new place at the magazine? Sorry, I can't make a big deal about the name of it because I'm pretty sure they aren't ready to claim all THIS yet. But if you're my facebook friend, you'll know.

This is me, unedited. I care what you think, a little. But this is where I'm totally me, and you don't have to look if you don't want to.

I love you, I love your feedback, but I also encourage commenting so this is more interactive. Since I just picked up about 23 more people in France alone, and another frequent clicker in the Ukraine, I get really curious who is reading. I'd also like to welcome my newest Swiss reader. I dont know who you people are, but I am wondering what you are thinking right now.

Anyway, I have things to do for reals.

Love and snuggs

Random Funnies From My Offspring.

I am not going to go brag and show you my wallet full of pictures and tell you an endearing tale of how my kid is better than all the other kids. I usually keep my kids out of this unless they do something funny. However, my son does this random stuff so often and so quickly that if you don't catch it, you'll miss it. He has no idea how awesome random humor is and isn't trying. So here is a short list of things he has said that we have found funny. Priceless quotes from Eban. Here we go.

On Birthdays:
It's my birthday and I would like a birthday wedgie please.

On Self Appreciation:
I'm so awesome I'm jealous of myself

On Tornadoes:
E: What if a tornado hit this fancy restaurant?
us: That would be bad
E: Yeah, we would have to finish our food really really fast.

Recap after watching Titanic:
Floating, floating, iceberg, BAM.

On personal safety:
(to his sister) BAILEY!! Don't go too near that water you could fall in and get the death!!!

On Shark Week:
How does that guy not know he's going to get eaten? He's on Shark Week! What a stupid.

Priceless child. We love him.

I'll Make a Title Later

Good morning!! Ok so I'm just going to tell you right now that this blog is going wherever it wants to. Big shocker, right?

Do you want to hear about what I'm happy about first or what is getting on my nerves? Oh wait, you can't really I'm going to get the whining over with so that I can wrap it up with a happy note.

Apple is confusing. I think it's a pain in the ass to always have to synch my phone with my laptop because it takes forever and it also pisses me off that I can't share songs with people that live in my house because we have different itunes libraries all on our own laptops. Sure, I know about this home sharing crap but that requires a visit on my laptop to the itunes again and by the time I log into itunes that version is outdated and I gotta wait for a ten minute download which slows the computer down so much that I can't even watch goofy youtube videos to pass the time. And I can't blog either because I'd be like #$@$#@!!!!! GAH!! and it would be full of negative energy and I don't want to ruin your day.

So I got an iPad 2 for my birthday, actually I got two of them but that's another story. So I get the iPad and Im not looking forward to actually putting the content on there because everything I downloaded on my iPhone I actually download directly from the iTunes app. So to get that stuff on my iPad, I gotta transfer it from the phone to the itunes and then from the itunes to the ipad. it's like 300 songs or something and games. whatever, I'm all excited so we set it up to transfer and we get a good game of rock band going, but because I had bronchitis, my throat was painful and scratchy and I got a bad score singing so I decided to quit because if I don't get 98% or higher in expert mode, I just turn it off. Screw that. Go big or go home that's what I say. Well I actually don't say that, I'm already at home. FOCUS!

So it transfers and the iPad 2 works great but now all the songs I downloaded won't work, it just pauses for a second and then skips to a song from back in the day when I didn't know the wifi password and had to use my laptop. SO ANNOYING. And my iPad 2 will play LMFAO but will have a picture of The Arctic Monkey's album. That's not that bad but it's annoying so something is going on with itunes.

I google every question in my head. So I google the problem and I find the tech support forum. Looks like it's a common problem. Great. Wait, they're all speaking in techie. Even the ones that are having the problem are speaking techie and it's pissing me off and it's no help at all because whatever if you know everything then why are you clogging up the support forum? I need someone to speak in tech-idiot terms. There's all these abbreviations. So I finally put together the conclusion after reading all those posts that my itunes version may not have been current, so i updated the phone, updated the software and then synched the phone. Still same probem. So then, I realize oh, I have to make a playlist. F you playlist I just want my $300 iphone and my $700 iPad to work, and I'd also like my $250 iTouch to work too if that's not a big deal. Please. Why is it such a pain to keep everything working. For that much money it should just work. Screw apple. They have bad Karma though because they sent me an extra iPad and it wasn't billed on the credit card. I'm pretty sure it's going to show up though so I'm not getting all crack excited.

Now the good news......I have found an additional way to maximize my free time. PICK UP AND DROP OFF DRY CLEAN SERVICE!! TADA!!! This dude that owns the business came to my door a few weeks ago and dropped off this bag that you just leave outside at a certain time and they come pick it up. Then they drop it back off 2 days later. OMG. Now I don't have to take all husband's fancy banker attire to the dry cleaner. I mean it doesn't take that much time but whatever, probably 30 minutes, getting it together, then getting there, ordering the service, getting home, and then another 30 minutes to pick it back up, drive, and put it away.Plus there is the remembering to get the shirts done, that's the big one for me. I have the worst ADD and I don't medicate that often. And it costs like 2 dollars more. Plus, they gave me my first three cleanings free. Whatwhat?! This is awesome!! So now, I online grocery shop and they bring it to my car. I send out the dry cleaning from my doorstep, and I'm also considering sending out the laundry. You call it lazy, I call it maximizing free time. And by free time I mean free screwing around for your entertainment time. Keeping my big ol twitter going. Those thousands of people will unfollow if you don't talk to them.

I know you dont really know this but I actually profit from doing this. It's work. So now who's a jackass? People pay me to be me. Me. This me.
I love it.

I actually need more free time though because I just got on with a print magazine, comes out every month here in Charlotte, and I have to attend events and photograph and write and it has to be perfectly edited. So maximizing my time is a good idea.

I also am getting requests for more YouTube idiot videos but really? I mean I love that iphone and the ipad has a video on it, but I am theoretically a grownup and numerically also, so I really shouldn't be acting like a teenager. What do you wanna see? I've had rockband requests, karaoke bar requests (I love singing but only in my house so that last one isnt likely) and just more random crap. I only make a video when I feel inspired to. Honestly, I must not be that creative lately. Will take suggestions. Dont be perverted, keep it PG people. Oh, and then there's that "coning" thing. I really need to mature a little...wait..nahh....

Alright well ding the dryer is ready and I love folding warm clothes. I hate it when they're not warm. I think something is wrong with me. Toodles.


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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

A Giant Bug Tried To Kill Me (Video, too!)

Ok, maybe it didn't try to kill me but honestly how do you prove what the intentions of an insect are? I like to err on the side of caution. Better safe than sorry right? And also it's a way funner title than "I went crazeballs after a bug fell out of a tree and landed on my head"

So basically, it was yesterday, which was my birthday, and I was walking home from the garage where my car is getting fixed. It was all sunny and nice and I was walking down a very nice street with happy trees that have little flowers and lots of shade and it was just a great birthday walk. Every three seconds I was getting more birthday love on my facebook page and it was just generally making me happy. Whatever.

Suddenly, I feel this thud on my head, and I thought it was a crabapple at first, but nothing rolled off, so I touched my head and I felt a sticky leg and a buggy body. OMG OMG OMG.

OMG. I started swinging my arm at my head like a psycho. Like there is a bat in my hair. What the hell is in my hair. I'm going to die right now. My heart is pounding in my throat. I have a heart condition people this is serious. I am not even able to scream. Maybe it's a giant spider. Maybe there is a tarantula on my head. OH SHIT!! that's what it is !! it's a tarantula, because whatever it is is huge and that's the only logical explanation. My wristlet is doing its job staying attached to my wrist. Im smacking myself which means my iphone inside my wristlet purse is sliding down my elbow and smacking me repeatedly in the face, alternating between my nose and my eye depending on how much passion is in the swing. I'm turning in circles. This shit isn't funny. What are you laughing at mexican guy mowing the lawn? AYUDAME DAMN IT!!! He's staring.

Whatever, I don't care, this is serious, I think there is a raptor on my head. It's flapping wings and hissing. I'm going to die. My hair is tangling and it's not a tarantula, it's a raptor and the lawn mowing dude isn't laughing, he's just so worried about me that he can't control his reaction. It's not his fault. Is there a textbook on how to react if there is a raptor attacking someone across the street? No there isn't. So stop judging.

FLAP FLAP FLAP OMG GET IT OFF!! I feel something hit my foot. Oh my god. There's a bug on my foot. It's a giant cicada. First a raptor, now a cicada. CALL 911 YARD DUDE !!! AAAHH!!!!...wait.

What's up, Logic??? Logic is trying to hang out. Logic says I bet that cicada is what was on your head.

Oh. That's a good point. So it's not a Raptor? Phew.

Well damn that's a big bug. So I took out my phone and taped it.

It was a pretty crazy day. Later, when my husband took me to dinner, we walked by the same spot where I told him the bug attacked me and there it was all dead. Way to overreact, bug.

Anyway....I have a magazine deadline, and I write like a grown-up for that , so I needed to get all this energy out of my system. It's like taking a child and running them all out of energy before you take them to a nice dinner or onto a plane. I gotta get all this ADHD junk clogging up my brain out so that I can write the fancy stuff.

I think we're good. Maybe. Heh....and by the way here is the video of that bug that attacked me. You're welcome.

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Friday, August 12, 2011

Today Is Probably a Wash.

Which is pretty ironic because I have to wash the laundry, wash the dishes, wash someone's mouth out with soap to my left if he makes any more butt jokes (6 year old) and wash out the inside of my car since it got torrentially raind in last night. That's right rained in. Because the window is stuck down and the shop doesn't have the part to fix it yet. And in Pleasantville where I live, since it is a historic district, there are no garages on my street. I dont even have a driveway so my window is open. Go ahead and break in, thugs.

My lack of focusing ability and a quiet place to work, however, is a very good thing for blogging purposes.

PS Do you know how much it sucks to have your window stuck down , you're in a Mercedes Benz convertible babycar which puts you about at wheel height for a semi truck. It's awesome getting blasted in the face at 75 mph with water that is being hurled backward from the wheel. I didnt have the top down, that is giving my POS car too much credit, for the convertible top jammed up a few months ago and no longer works. I can fix it for only $2000 though. No, it's just the window that's stuck down right now that's open and allowing truck water access to my face. Well, that happened this morning.

If today was on facebook, I would not click like. I would report it for inapporpriate conduct and get it deleted. I would turn it into something I could explode. And then I would tape it to warn all the other days not to mess with me. For reals.


I Might Need a Geography Lesson

So, have this thing that tells me about all my stats and where my readers are coming from, and I get a kick out of it when someone from China, or the Ukraine or basically any country that I've never been to starts checking me out. So today, I was kind of in a hurry peeking at that little info bar and I noticed I had someone from Nokia tuning in.

Nokia? Where the hell is that? I've never heard of that. Wait yes I have it's a phone. That must be the country that phone is named after. And I even remember the way it rang and that the side glowed when it rang on my first one. That's how my mental filing cabinet works.

Guess what I did? I googled Nokia. How annoying, there's all the phones. I know Nokia is a phone, I am interested in the country. Wait. Wait.

Yeah, that just happened.

I'm looking at the traffic bar that tells me what browser they are using, and it's like one person. Not the country. Nokia is not a country.

I can't even. Yeah. Enjoy that.


Well That Sucked.

I really don't have much to add today, except that I got two new pairs of shoes yesterday at Target. I don't care that they were from Target. I bought them and now I am going to rock them. I'm thinking I will save them for next time Midget Wrestling comes into town. They're like trashy-fab. I'd take a picture, but that would involve me going back into my closet.

Going back into my closet would involve me realizing that it needs to be completely re-organized. I realize that it needs to be done, but going in there again today is going to ruin my self esteem because I am horrible at organizing my clothes and I can't get rid of any, and normal people can and I don't want the kids trying and threatening to submit me to "What Not To Wear" again.

I'm having someone come in and completely re-do it next week, so if I can just not go in there til then, that would be ideal. I have like 4403402843092 formal gowns, 30248320438 pairs of shoes, and like two pairs of jeans, 3 casual tops, a few brooks brothers outfits for when I do parent stuff at the kids school and then about 342048329 pairs of pajama pants with the drawstring and coordinating t-shirts. I also have about ten workout ensembles but I'm not gonna lie, I wear them to the grocery store and I congratulate myself for not shopping online.

Are you kidding me? I just lost my browser then the other half of the blog disappeared. I hate you!! I thought you had my back Blogspot!! I blogged that like an hour ago autosave should have been in full effect.

Oh, now I'm mad. I'm not going to talk to you, blog. Starting now.


Thursday, August 11, 2011

Blowup Animals, Glitter and Projectile Condoms...Why Not?

did a disco ball the size of the moon blow up in here???


Allrighty, bet you're waiting to see how I explain that one, right? I can actually do that with one word, Ke$ha.

First of all I would like to point out that it is a pain in the ass to type a dollar sign instead of an S because of all the shifting and pressing a number key involved so from this point forward I am going to call her Dumpster Barbie Kesha with an S instead of a dollar sign. Granted, that paragraph made me go completely out of my way anyway, but it was a lot more fun and brought it back to being all about me.

So, last minute, my stepdaughter and I decided to go to the show because she's a huge fan and because my Ticket Ninja, Shawn O'Donnell from had some very special tickets with my name on them. When Kesha came to town the last two times, Kendall didn't even ask to go because she knew we wouldn't let her. I maintained that Kesha was disgusting and raunchy and I don't want my pristine children's ears being tainted. So David was like, why are you suddenly changing your tune? Of course I blurt "Because I'm taking her to Nicki Minaj and she's actually worse." OOPS. I swear, I really need to see about getting a filter installed. I really do because those are the things I would edit out and rephrase. I had enough foresight to avoid pointing out "Because we already went to Lady GaGa" and we all know what a hot tranny mess that was.

I think the safest argument would have been "Because she already knows all the words to all her songs so how are we damaging her worse? I mean, we could try better parenting all the way around as another way to guard her ears, but if that's the case she should get one last hurrah, right? " And then I would edit out "And we also get to go to Britney and Nicki Minaj because we already have the tickets, and we can't go around being wasteful because there are starving kids in Africa who don't have Britney Tickets."

And then David would say "What does Africa have to do with Britney Tickets?"

And then I'd have some witty response to that like "Well if I was starving I would eat a ticket." but that's silly because if I had some more time to think, I would remember that wood, pulp, and pulp products are made almost entirely of a polysaccharide called cellulose, which our human bodies can't digest, and the protein lignin. Lignin would produce amino acids or something and that's not of any nutritional value either. So therefore, that is a stupid statement.

Do you see how smart I am there in hindsight? Unfortunately, my after-smarts are about as useful as a condom machine in the Vatican. That's the ADD stepping up and making me awesome. It's like that insult you came up with after the kids stopped pointing and laughing and found someone else to slam in a locker.

So whatever, we went and I'm a hypocrite for taking her after trying to talk the talk of good parenting.

Let me just tell you that that show was awesome. LMFAO came out. As in the band, not laughing mine off. They were great. They had blowup zoo animals they threw into the crowd to bounce around, confetti cannons, and they ran around like a bunch of ADHD monkeys that found the Mountain Dew and Pixy Stix. But in a good way.

Kesha was fun too, and she opened glitter fire on the crowd so often, ground looked like it snowed tranny magic all over. She reminded me of Britney, but like, if Britney rolled around in the dirt and was more vocal about being skanky. Don't get me wrong, I have a soft spot for Brit Brit. But Britney is batshit crazy and Kesha is "freaking cool" crazy.
Kesha had very entertaining backup dancers, especially for some song where she told the guy to grow a pair, and she pulled up a fan from the stage and they duct taped him to the chair and there was an actual Pear running around the stage fruit of the loom style and then there was another costume I dont want to talk about because David might read this and ground me from concerts. I'm really sorry. I didn't know that was going to happen.


The cannons also fired condoms and Kesha dollars. We really had a good time. Kendall's pretty mature about that stuff, she just ignored it. Good girl.

I have to admit that I got excited and put swarovski sparkles on my face and donned glitter and feathers in celebration of this awesome show. I mean, what girl doesn't like to be shiny?

So, the show was awesome, we met LMFAO afterward, and then we went to McDonald's to get food because that's all that was open. Some guy approached our window and said that he and his grandma were stranded at the gas station, and they needed some change. I felt bad so I gave him some and told Kendall that hopefully they will pay it forward and that was my good deed for the day.

We were STARVING!! When we pulled up to the window we were told we didn't have to pay for our food because the guy in the truck in front of us had already paid. What? Really? Why??? He didn't say, he just paid.

Now I know how this works in a bar. The dude buys you a drink and then winks at you and you say thanks and he kind of expects some conversation. How does this work in the car ? With your teenage daughter? In a sketch area, at midnight thirty? Is he gonna pull over and wait for us to leave the drive through? Should we wave? Roll down the window and communicate? What if he's a creeper!! So much pressure!

Actually, turns out I am a paranoid A-hole, the guy just drove off and was nice for the sake of being nice!!

So next time someone asks you for help and they look homeless or something you should just not judge them and be a sweetie like me and give them money because that random act of kindness paid off in less than two minutes. Random Act of Kindness. Pay it forward. Repeat.

Last night was a total score!!! And getting free nuggs at McD's was a great way to end it!! AWESOME!!!

Here is us with that dude from LMFAO. I'm going to be honest, I did not realize this was the band that does "Party Rock Anthem". I do know their song SHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTS because I got hammered to it at my birthday bash last year. I also know that song "Get Crazy Get Loud" because it was on that Tap Tap Revenge game on my iTouch which was the first app I ever downloaded. I cannot be the only one that knows this.

And here is the link to my YouTube Channel where you can witness Tik Tok complete with glitter bombing.

Have a happy day, fishies!! <3


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Life is a Highway and So I Cut Across the Median and Four Wheeled.

WARNING: This blog is unsure of its point.It may be a waste of time. It meant really well though, but unfortunately, somehow couldn't keep track of where it was going. If this blog entry was a road trip, the driver missed the exit but then got a text on the iphone and subsequently ran over a drunk midget who was pissing on the side of the road. Turns out the midget left a suicide note, and had jumped into the road on purpose so the blog driver went shoe shopping to feel better. We all process grief differently. Oh, the midget is now in stable condition!! Let's send him flowers. I hear those help a hangover.

I'm right here with you shaking my head. Whatever, here's the blog...

I don't like being told what to do. I never have. I don't think anyone really does, but I really have this deep seated issue with following rules. Following the crowd. Minding like a good puppet. I don't know why I push so hard against the flow, but I don't feel like myself if I feel like everyone else.

So of course, that made my life journey a little bumpier than everyone else's. My parents paid obscene amounts of money for me to go high school and then on to college. I use the word "attend" super loosely because I, um, ditched a lot. All the time. More often than not.

I operated on my infallible bullshitting skills and above average intelligence to maintain the GPA I needed to keep my scholarship. It worked out just fine for me, until I realized I freaking hated school.

I hated it. I (loved)hated the fact that I could dart into a lecture hall and sign the attendance sheet, grab the photocopy of notes off the lectern and bolt before the teacher ever got there. I hated the fact that those tests were taken directly from the notes, and they were so stupidly easy that I only had to study an hour before to pass.

I hated the stupid questions and the long lectures. Any time I had something I felt added "something extra" to a research paper, I'd get blasted for going outside the format and I'd have to redo it.

I hated the fact that I actually had to show up for any math class at all. Math is the same, it never changes, it has a formula, you learn it, you execute it, you ask for help once or twice if you don't get it. Why do I have to listen to 10 different people's repetitive questions on a formula that hasn't changed since the last 10 times we went over it. I'd get in trouble for falling asleep. I'd get into trouble for not being there, and I'd piss people off for falling asleep and then when the teacher would wake me up to do a problem, I'd walk up to the board, do it and then nod back off.

Even when I was in kindergarten, I acted this way. My teacher actually tried to put me in special ed because she thought I couldn't write my name and wasn't filling out my phonics books. My mom brought me in, and the teacher demonstrated by asking me to read that word. My mom cut in and had me read an entire paragraph. Then, I wrote it. My teacher was amazed. My mom told me that I said "Why do I have to write my name a bunch of times in a row I already know how to write it once."

So in class, I flat out refused to participate in that bullshit. I knew it was bullshit before I knew what bullshit was.

The teacher decided that I needed to go to gifted instead of special ed. I'd say that was a pretty successful and unique meeting.

Here's my problem...I'm really smart. Really smart. I tend to lack in the common sense department sometimes. I'm very ADD, and I have horrible organization skills and I can't make a decision to save my life.

I'm impulsive and passionate and I have a longer list of personal screwups than almost anyone I know.

I also have lived more than anyone I know. I had the coolest job. I have done the coolest things! I know what it's like to be a cheerleader all the way to college. I know what it's like to be on the radio, I worked for a station for a long time. I also have flown first class more times than the average bear through my experience at the airline.

I was even one of those pageant girls very briefly, except my pageants were of the Little Miss Rodeo Girl Variety,and in addition to all the other components of a beauty pageant, you had to compete on horseback as well. My tiara sat on top of a cowboy hat. And I was too embarrassed to tell anyone I went to school with because I thought myself a preppy. Not a cowgirl. No one ever know that I was in these pageants/competitions until I started showing up in the local papers. In hindsight, I should have been proud I was pageant and horse show royalty, but I was too concerned with cheerleading, boys, and hiding that part of me.

I didn't belong to a certain "group" at school, I wanted to be friends with everyone. Except the wrangler wearing group. They just dressed that way and I never saw anyone of them on the competition circuit, so I never quite figured that one out. I had crushes on the smart boys, not the jocks. I was a nerd-liker.

So where is this blog going, really, I don't know. I think if I were about to head off to college right now, I'd be really freaked out because these kids are of the generation where parents started engineering kids for success. Sometimes that works but what about those black sheep out there like me?

I turned out fine. I had some crazy, scary bumps in the road, but I have more life experience than most people twice my age. However, I think I am one of the last people that was able to scrape by on brains and bullshit.

I really admire the people who had the focus to work hard and get those high paying jobs. I really, really do, and I'm not knocking or judging them. Im envious because focus is something that has always escaped me. I'm fickle. I wanted to do it all. So I did.

These high powered people who "made" it get to travel the world in first class. Check. They live in a gorgeous home with gorgeous kids. Check, I got that too. True love? Oh, my goodness, check. check. check!

I don't know, I'm pretty sure I lost my focus on this see that's just how I roll, but I hope that the world can embrace the people like me who didn't fit the mold and don't want to. I have learned a lot and I have learned to cope with disaster. Do these perfectly engineered lives have disaster? Does a Harvard education teach distress tolerance? What if your perfectly planned life doesn't work out that way?

I think we're all human and we can all be triggerd to fall apart by something. There are weaknesses in everyone. The ones who had to constantly readjust and roll with punches probably adapt better to crisis though...and in this economy, I think it's really important to teach kids how to cope with all that planning doesn't work out.

I'm just worried about a generation with an instant-gratification and control-freak parent upbringing coping as the economy continues to worsen. These are the kids of the hand sanitizer, politically correct, plastic slide, no more God in school generation. Not only are they going to have to deal with their mistakes later on but the cumulative screwups of generations previous to them. These are the kids that played soccer on teams where everyone got a trophy. Everyone's a winner!

In the real world, everyone is not a winner. And sometimes the winners didn't really follow the proper channels to get there. It's not what you know sometimes, it's who you know. Did school teach me those things? No, they didn't. I was smart enough as a 4 year old kindergartener to realize that putting me in a box was bullshit.

Everyone is not a winner. And if you don't get first, or even a pat in the back at all, you better learn how to put your big kid panties on and deal with it.

Whatever, kids, that's the closest I get to being political and I'm not sure that's even making sense anymore, so I'm gonna hasta la pasta for now and get some rest. I'm still pretty bronchitis-y and I have a big night on Thursday. Love you all the way to the moon!

disclaimer: I would like to apologize for possibly offending drunks, midgets, and the economy. Kind of. Toodles!

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Monday, August 8, 2011

I'm Kind of a Big Deal

What's up, fishes????

It's like 1:10 AM. I'm wishing I were asleep, but I'm not. It turns out I have bronchitis and a chest x-ray showed a small patch of pneumonia forming in my left lung, so I'm taking it easy.

Taking it easy by sitting on the couch all day gets boring as all get out , and I can't really sleep because I can't lie flat or I'll start hacking again.

I am not trying to be gross, but I feel like I shoved a spiky dish brush down my throat and scrubbed it from the inside raw. I am pretty sure going to that Maroon 5 concert around all those people is how I got some germs. Either that or that stank hotel in Myrtle Beach got me sick. One of my friends had a cold, but the cold I thought I got from him is gone now and I'm left with this worse crap that probably started incubating a week ago. BLAH!!

Ron Burgundy

I figured I would use this time constructively. And by constructively, I mean hammering out Ron Burgundy quotes on Twitter and seeing if anyone would respond. That was pretty impressive, in fact I got so much response I started getting competitive, and then one user told me he'd piss all over anyone who thought they knew more Ron Burgundy quotes than they did. Well, I kindly admitted I had been googling quotes and cheating, so he could point his wanker the other way. Then he told me he had more important things to do than piss all over me because there were riots going on in London.

Wow, thanks dude. So, I'm glad I'm in the clear about getting pissed on , but I'm trying to wrap my brain around this: Twitter Ron Burgundy Quote Duel > London Riots > pissing on Ron Burgundy poser savants. You know what, whatever. I don't want to be pissed on, and you cant twitter-piss on me anyway. Can you even believe this is on the table for debate? ME EITHER.

So, after I realized that I was probably wasting a good opportunity to blog, I decided that I should dispense some advice because that'd be really fun. I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just telling you how I got to where I am. I mean, not everyone can sit here and blog about twit-piss and make a living off their bomb diggity writing skills. I had to claw my way up that food chain, baby!!

Here's my megamillion dollar advice to you on how to get something you want.

Identify it. Ask for it. Get ready to recieve it. If the answer you are getting is no, then you are asking the wrong person or you need to be more creative. If what you're aiming for is actually attainable and realistic, then it's yours. The only obstacles in the way are usually the ones you put there before you even start to attack the course.

Punch that adversity in the face! Maneuver like a ninja straight through those walls!!!

Who cares what people think? Let the petty crap go. Let it go. I let assholes drive me into the ground so far I was ready to give up. Do you know what? They're still assholes. Are you an asshole? Well give that up because assholes get what they want with a side dosage of Karma. You do not have time to sit with your head in your hands wondering what your next move is going to be and basing it on the possible opinions of someone who can't wait to tear you down.

Just. go. get it.

That's what you do. That's what I do. And I always, always win. Always.
It drives those assholes crazy.

You stay classy, Internet!!!

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From "I Do" to "To Do"

Wow, so when you're done with the wedding planning, and you have the wedding, it's not really all behind you.

I have not LEGALLY changed my name yet. I mean, it really felt official when I changed it on Facebook, but apparently that's not enough.

My husband decided to put a fire under my butt by booking our next two trips under my married name, and I'm flying in about 3 weeks, so I have about two weeks and 6 days to get that done. Wait, actually minus weekends. Damn I'm worse off than I thought.

Anyways, so first I need to go to the social security office and spend all day to get the new card issued and then I need to go take that printout they give me and take that to the DMV and spend all day.

I am in love with writing my thank you notes, but I agonize over them because I want them to be personalized, so I've sent a few at a time. I refuse to do them in bulk because I don't want to be a jerk and have someone get the sloppy handwriting because I just got bored. My handwriting is sloppy enough as it is, so I do like, three at a time, and then mail them. I hear you have a year to send them before people get pissed (according to etiquitte website) but honestly, I think like three months is the limit. So, Im carefully trucking through them, trying to make sure each one doesn't look like chicken scratch OH and I got awesome new stamps with our picture on them. It's so cute. David is embarrassed to have his face basically on postal currency but I think it's awesome. I should have thrown my twitter handle on there too just to see if I get more followers. Ha, ha, ha!!! My mom won't throw away the envelopes because she feels guilty throwing my face in the trash. I'd make fun of her, but I'll tell you a secret....when I make gingerbread men, I put angry psycho faces on them and then I name them my exes and it makes it easier for me to bite their heads off. Tee hee.

Whoa there, we're off track again. Let's bring it back home.

So, there's the name changing, and the thank you notes, oh, and making phone calls to credit card companies and banks and insurance and whatever else. There's also my email address that I've had a billion years. It doesn't make sense anymore. So I guess I'll have to change that but that's a big pain in the arse too because I have too many contacts to send one by one and too many to weed through. There are enough people in there that I have either pissed off, have pissed me off, or exes that I would not like to give my current info to. So if I just send a bulk email with my new email address that I have yet to create, then all my contact list will switch over, and probably all the people that spam me too.

That's no fun.

Oh, and there's the whole passport thing too, that's an event in and of itself.

So, yeah, I'm busy as a little bee with all my normal every day stuff, and I'm terrible at administrative things, so these little details tend to compound on me. Maybe I should hire a post wedding coordinator. Do they have those?

OH CRAP I just remembered my wedding dress was cleaned a month ago and is still at the cleaners waiting to be picked up. That thing weighs 30 lbs. I hope they don't get rid of it. I guess that's the end of this blog.

CRAP!! Got a phone call to make, toodles!!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Today's Public Service Announcement

Sometimes we learn from our mistakes. I would like you to be grateful today, that you are learning from my mistake. That I made at like 2 am. When I thought mouthwash would make my sore throat feel better.

(it's CVS Astringent AKA Makeup Remover AKA death swallow)
This mouthwash does not make my throat feel better. In fact, it feels like you are swallowing fire. Do not buy it.

This conclude's today's Publis Service Announcement. You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming. Bleeeeeeeeeeeeep.


I Freaking LOVE Myrtle Beach. For Reallys.

Happy Rainy Freaking Friday, people!

I spent the last few days taking my son and my daughter to Myrtle Beach for some special mommy-baby time. Sometimes they get a little jealous with the blended family thing so it's important tha they get their special individual time. They are on the younger end of the family spectrum so they are still enjoying things like Spongebob Squarepants and toilet humor, while our older two are discovering boys and probably other crap that makes me uncomfortable.

Anyways, the drive out there was fine, there wasn't really any fighting or anything. I picked Myrtle Beach because it's the closest and I've been there before so if my GPS failed, I would still be able to get there and not get lost. Or AS lost as I normally get. Let's be honest, I get lost almost every time I go to uptown Charlotte and I pretty much live there.

I really hate Myrtle Beach. It's beachy and all, but it's the sloppiest, redneckiest, spring-break-on-a-ramen-budgetiest place I've ever been. The view of the water is pretty if you get a nice balcony, but that's about it.

My kids woke me up at 530 am the first morning and I'm not even kidding. It's like Christmas to them to wake up and go picking up shells. I was really cranky about it but they were seriously so cute and happy that I didn't bite their heads off. I just made coffee in the in-room coffee machine (after throwing away moldy rinds from who knows when and scrubbing it so religiously it counted as cardio) and then got dressed.

Myrtle Beach is actually really nice when the sun is coming up. That's because you don't have Maw and Paw and all the chitlins running around and fat teenagers in their berkinis picking wedgies with no regard to who may be watching because they've already had too much moonshine to give a crap.

I have heard it called the "Redneck Riviera". You can get a hotel in Myrtle for like $49 a night as long as you don't mind walking across the street to the ocean and staying in places called "The Gay Dolphin" and "Hurl Rock Motel". Also, it's a bonus if you don't mind bed bugs. That's what I heard anyway on the news last year. Whatever.

I was very picky about my hotel, it took me like 2 hours scrutinizing and trying to find one that knew what wi-fi was and was far enough away from the "Grand Strand" that I could pretend I was somewhere else.

I didn't even really admit on Facebook that I was going to Myrtle, I just said "the beach." Because it's not so much the area that bothers me, it's just the idiots it attracts that bother me.

Anyway, before I start making you wonder why the hell I even bothered to drive up there, I'm just defending it with, it was a beach, I knew how to get there, and I should have known better.

The first thing that happened when we got there, was the kids hopped out of the car and heard an ice cream truck playing Christmas songs (?!) while we were trying to register for our room. So immediately they were like, "Can we have ice cream?" (it was like 9pm) and the little 6 year old says "Is it Christmas? When is Christmas?"

Um, no, we can't have ice cream because we haven't had dinner yet and Christmas is a really long time away. The ten year old says "Aw man I wanted Ice Cream, I felt so happy!" and the 6 yo says "I thought it was Christmas." and then has a really sad face.

Damnit. Thanks a lot Ice Cream truck a-hole for making this trip start off with disappointment. I hate you.

So we get checked into the room and the guy at the desk is nice and he says he's upgraded me to an ocean view room. Turns out Ocean View is like, if you walk out to the corner you can just make out the water.

Dude, I know $150 per night isn't that much to pay in the scheme of things, but for Myrtle Beach, that's like 5 star, so I'm kind of pissed off. I go back to the desk and the kids are upset because they want to swim. We passed 3 pools. It closes at ten and it's nine thirty now and we haven't had dinner. We're ordering pizza. There is no way they can swim. More "AWwwwWWW!!" and sad panda faces. More disappointment. Awesome.

I go back to the front desk, and I make sure to try to be really sweet but I'm really really annoyed.

"Ocean View? Are you kidding with me right now? That's messed up."

Okay, that wasn't sweet at all.

He kinda smirks and looks back at me. He's wearing a Kanye West T-Shirt and he's really white. Immediately I wonder if he thought Kanye was cool for taking away Taylor Swift's microphone or was that douchey? I decided that it didn't matter and realized I forgot my ADD medicine.

Damning myself some more, a lightbulb went off. Kanye West is coming to Greensboro. I have a ticket ninja who can get him an awesome hookup.

"Hey, I can help you score VIP tickets to Kanye if you're going to that show. Can you do a little better with the room?"


VIP is the most awesome word to throw around. It's going to be overused soon because now every club and concert has a VIP area or a VIP ticket, but for now I can capitalize on it because I know people that can sell it to you.

"For reals?" he says "VIP? How do you get VIP tickets?"

"Oh, I promote concerts and work with a distributor. Don't buy regular tickets I can get you tickets that aren't on sale to the public. Just email me if you decide to go and I'll put you in touch with the guy. They're not much more expensive than the regular tickets, you just have to know who to talk to."

"Hells Yeah." he says.

So he tells me he's fixing me up with a suite and it's on the corner and it has two balconies and a fridge and a microwave.

That sounds better.

And before you all get irritated with me and ask me why I just offered to help SELL him tickets, it's not like he comped my room. If he had comped my room completely at a $300 value, I probably would have helped out a little more but I'm not gonna use my personal tickets just to get a slightly more tolerable room in the redneck riviera. Not gonna happen.

Give and take kids. Give and take.

So we get to the room and it's what you'd expect for Myrtle Beach. It's clean enough and it doesn't smell like vomit and smoke. I'm satisfied.

We order pizza and we go to bed. The kids wake me up at 530 am. It wasn't that bad because like I said, it was very quiet and beautiful.
I went on the front balcony, and had a gorgeous view. Then looked out around the corner and saw this.

Awesome. Only in Myrtle Beach would they make sure to save plenty of ocean front property for the trailer park.

See, and you thought I was being mean!!

Whatever, so the first day was okay, we beached it up for the first half, went to the pool til about lunchtime and then got cleaned up to go to the aquarium to see the sharks. My son is obsessed with sharks due to shark week.

We pay $47 to get into Ripley's Aquarium and then realize very quickly that they are probably doubling the allowable amount per the fire marshal. You couldn't walk without stepping on someone. The mermaid show they advertised was in a pool with stingrays in it that didn't look more than 4 feet deep. How were they supposed to dive in that? The shark exhibit had a 2 hour wait. For no great white sharks. For two hours I wanna feed a noisy kid to the shark. Screw THAT.

My kids started getting anxious and claustrophobic so we decided to leave. I bought my son a shark toy and he was happy. I went to customer service and told them that this was horrible. Why would you charge me without telling me I wouldn't see the exhibits without a few hours wait for each one.

"Do What?" said the employee, unmoved by my very unhappy body language


He explains that it's "just a really pawpular turrist 'tractshun, ye kneow?"

NO. No I do not know. I hate when people say "you know" at the end of stuff. Especially with that damn drawl. I do not know. I am not agreeting with you. I hate it even more when they repeat themselves because I didn't agree. I'm not going to agree because it's polite. Screw that. You know what's polite? Not making me pay to be cramped in like some kind of redneck body odor holocaust to see some sharks that can't even kill anything. Shark Week is FREE!! I hate you!!

So, yeah, the Aquarium was fail. They said we could come back the next day, but I decided I'd rather ...just about anything...than subject myself and my kids to THAT.

We decided we wanted ice cream. Not TCBY. Not Frozen Yogurt Shack. FREAKING ICE CREAM. What happened to Baskin Robbins? Let me tell you something people, Frozen Yogurt is going to make your ass just as fat when you put tons of Gummi Worms and Oreos and Hot Tamales on it. Just because you used a strawberry or two does not make it healthy. And do you know what else? They are tricking you into filling up that giant bowl and then charging you by weight. I hate you!!

Wow, I just realized this is going into rant territory. I think I'll mark it appropriately.

So, after our FAIL of an aquarium visit, and FAILed ice cream adventure, we drove back to the hotel because the kids decided to go back to the beach. There is plenty of ice cream places along Ocean Blvd, but you have to park and walk and put up with that circus, so I wasn't even going to consider going to one of those places. So don't message me and tell me about Friendly's. I hate that redneck magnet too.

Let me pause for a second and just point out that by redneck, I mean the people who are inconsiderate, who walk across the street armed with nothing but an alcohol fueled sense of entitlement that says I have to stop for a pedestrian no matter how far I already was into the intersection. If you are more concerned about spilling your beer than watching for a car I am talking to you. If your kids know more cuss words than I do , I'm talking to you. So I admit that I may be unfairly stereotyping. If you are reading this and you are merely from the south and have an accent, then calm down. I'm talking about the a-holes that ruin it for everyone. I'm sorry if you enjoy Myrtle Beach and that BS doesn't bother you.

I hadn't been in a while and I thought I would give it another shot, but clearly, I still hate it.

Ok, back on topic. So, we go to the hotel to get dressed for the beach and as soon as we put our blanket down there is this huge thunder crash. We have about 30 seconds to grab our stuff and go running back to the room. Shoulda seen that coming since storms tend to turn the sky grey, but I really wasn't looking. It happened that fast.

The kids are upset but taking it well. I dont care, I don't want to wash dirt from my hiney again anyway. We get to the elevator and my son bursts into tears because my daughter hit the elevator button first. He wanted to do it.

Oh, for God's sake, fine, you can touch the one in the elevator. He crosses his arms.

The door opens and he kind of slinks in there dragging his feet. My daughter looks at him. "Push the Button!" she yells.

He glares at her. She acts fast.

She slams the button.

My son's face goes from pouting to "O Hell No" in like negative two seconds and he starts stomping.


Oh my god. Oh my god. It's starting.

He runs to the button panel and slams them all. Now we have to stop on every floor. There are only 6 floors but we're on the top. Dammit.

The kids snipe at each other all the way up and we decide to order pizza again.

Bailey says she has a tickle in her throat.

I decide that's a great reason to give her benadryl. In face, we wouldn't want Eban to get a throat tickle either? How awful right? You better have some benadryl too. BAM!!

By the time the eat their pizza, they're passed out. YAY Benadryl!!

I go to sleep after doing some work the old fashioned way, with a pen and paper (their wi fi doesnt work I HATE YOU!) and then I wake up at 8am. With bug bites all over my legs. There are actually bed bugs in this hotel. FML. I dont want my money back I want to leave. And I dont just have a tickle in my throat, it's full on swollen and I can't even speak.

I can't actually find any bed bugs but where the hell are all these bites coming from? AAUGH!! I wake the kids up, get them packed ,and we get ready to leave. I tell the kids to say goodbye to the beach.

Eban goes to the balcony and yells "SEE YOU LATER BEACHES!!" over it. I start laughing. Bailey has her mouth wide open saying "He said the B word!" and she runs to tell. I have to solemn up and then Eban starts crying.

"I didn't say the B word!! Butt is the B word!" he whispers, woefully.

"MOM EBAN SAID TWO B WORDS!!" Bailey yelled

Now he's crying and she's smug.

Where do I even start?

So, I don't start. I haul them to breakfast and then we get settled for the 3 hour drive home. Which was actually more like 5 because the weather was so stormy it looked like evening all day.

The best part of the drive, though was when they were playing their Nintendo DS's and they're asking me to pick names for the characters. I think i'm really clever and suggest Snot Face for Bailey's riding game. They think this is hilarious, and they name the horse something like Bubble butt. This backfired because the game had a storyboard to it and it constantly referenced SnotFace and Bubble Butt which would send the kids into peals of laughter that lasted at least two hours.


I also have a very fierce cold.

That was my awesome three day vacation to Myrtle Beach . Jealous?


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Oh, What a Night...

Ok people, if you missed Maroon 5 and Train you completely missed out. Even if you don't like their music, they can put on a hell of a show.

I was T minusing this concert all last week, so when party-in-a-car showed up in front of our house I was about to detonate with joy.

David and I went with our good friends Shawn and Tami, who run, and Breezekat from the Ace n TJ show with his girlfriend Liz. As soon as we got into the car , we were enjoying cocktails and planning our next big night out. We also talked about Planking and Breezekat was kind enough to share all of his pictures of himself planking all over the KISS 95.1 office. So funny how 24hours prior I had no idea what this planking was. It's so stupid it's funny.

Anyways, I am like a child. I always have to have something to look forward to, and once my target is on lock, I have tunnel vision and 7 days out I begin T Minus. I'm such a nerd that I will count down the days until T Minus starts.

Gavin DeGraw was the opening act. I am sure I've heard his name kicked around, and probably hummed along to something on the radio, but the only time I got a glimpse of Gavin's performance was when Tami and I ran down to check out our seat location. Basically if we wanted to plank from our chair to the stage, we could. Suffice to say the seats were very, very close and I felt very cocky as we passed all the people who were unlucky enough not to be us. It's like turning left to go to your seat instead of right on an airplane. You kind of feel like a big deal. Well, I do anyway.

Speaking of planking, check this out:
Oh, yes I did. We tried to get Breezekat to do it, but girls kept asking him to take their picture and he needed to spread the word about the new Ace N TJ app. He's really committed to his cause.

So, Tami and Liz only had to egg me on a little and I decided that since I was ridiculing planking , and having already checked the "knocking" off the list, I decided to go ahead and cross out the "trying" box too.

So, there I am, planking in the VIP Lounge at the Maroon 5 show.
I must admit, it does take some core strength to stay balanced and perfectly straight. I also noted that the pictures of people actually looking at the camera weren't very funny so I had to maintain the facedown position which was also hard because I didn't want my nose to touch that germy table.

The best part of my plank attempt was that right as I climbed down from the table, the Live Nation rep I always work with was walking by. I am on the fence about whether that embarrasses me or not because he knows me professionally and personally. Professionally, I do a very good job promoting them. He also knows that I am a complete and utter goofball with no stop sign between my brain and my mouth. (or my typing fingers)

I expected him to burst out laughing, or make me delete the photo. Neither happened, he was so absorbed in his work that he didn't even notice the deadish person on the red bull table. The nerve. Ha!!!

Once he caught me lurking outside the Blue October bus like a lame groupie. He pointed and laughed like that kid on the Simpsons. I was pretty embarrassed because that was the first time he caught me acting silly in public,usually it's just my wacky status updates. He actually asked me when we got there if he was going to have to forcibly remove me from the stage because he knows I love Adam. (I behaved)

Adam was fabulous, but he kind of danced around a little girlier than I remembered from last time. I think I'm over him. Either that or my man is so manly, he makes Adam Levine look one box of hair dye and some black nail polish away from looking like that Emo kid down the street. He already has the skinny jeans. I don't think he has moves like Jaggar. And what the hell, I thought he and Christina Aguilera hated each other? Why are they singing together? That's disappointing, I love drama that doesn't involve me.

Also, bonus, Breezekat introduced me to my favorite blogger, Brittney Cason. Well, kind of. We were talking about the future of a radio station he may or may not work/have worked for and I said that I thought she was funny and the type of person I wanted to be friends with. So he grabs the blackberry and dials her up on the spot and hands me the phone. Kind of awkward, and I was already 3 drinks into the game. That's a lot for me. She was very gracious and sweet though. I hate when my kids hand me the phone randomly and say "here, talk to my friend's mom..." whom I've never met and didn't know a sleepover was planned I imagine it was kind of like that.

Honestly though, who wouldn't want to be friends with someone who found a 6 year old wandering around uptown and wanted to take care of him? There's her blog, I'm sure if you aren't already a fan, you will be.

The concert was uh-mazing. I took videos, but I always turn the camera around and point it at myself singing and it always pisses me off the next day because I just wanna watch the performer. I am a really annoying filmer, with a really bad "ME TOO!" complex. It happens every freaking time. So I'm not going to post it.

Well, my son was packing my suitcase since I promised the kids a beach trip but now he's unpacking it because he watched too much shark week and thinks we should hang out at the pool and on the sand instead. NOT in the ocean.

Oh, I almost forgot, I am going to be contributing and have assignments, (meaning more than one!) in Charlotte Style Magazine! I'm so thrilled to be able to keep doing what I love. I love my silly blog and I love writing professionally too! It's been a great week and I feel kind of awesome.

I have things to do, so I better get going, but love you fishes!!

UPDATE: Tami just posted to my facebook wall this message:
I just wanted to remind you that you ate chili in a limo last night...bahahaha

I completely forgot about that. After the show, we made the limo driver order ten cheeseburgers and I had to be the diva and get chili. With cheese and french fries to dip in it. Yep, sounds about right. I just laughed so hard I choked on the ice I was chomping on. I wonder what other dork stuff I pulled that I forgot about. Hmmm...

Oh, yeah, there was swindling a backstage pass and pretending it was mine the whole time. Pretty slick.

I bet my mom is so proud. Allright fishes, I'm really late now so talk soon, kay?

Muchos besos!

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Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I'm Already Behind on Trends.

I stand corrected. "Coning" is the new planking. Thanks to Teague Publishing for keeping me current and also for making people's dream of getting their work published come true.

CONING. I'm still laughing.

If you are a writer with a big dream and a sense of humor, you need to be friends with them.

Teague Publishing/

I can't even blog I'm laughing so hard at the coning link...which is on urban dictionary and it has a video of someone coning various fast food windows. Coning is when you snatch the ice cream by the cone. The look on these people's faces is hilarious.

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I Almost Seriously Injured Someone Just Now

True Story.

Let's follow my insane train of thought to tell this story, shall we? And since my ADHD self hasn't medicated yet, I would like to point out that I just said "train." Which made me get the tickles all over because Train is coming tonight with Maroon 5 and I'm pretty sure that Adam Levine is secretly in love with me and he doesn't know it.

I feel really bad for him now because when he figures it out, he will also simultaneously figure out that I am married and have moved on. I mean, if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it right? Geez, Adam, you're a great songwriter but you really don't know what you have until it's gone. I hope you learn for next time. Matters of the heart are no joke.

Anyways, before my train of thought got derailed (TRAIN! ADAM!) I was telling you about how I almost seriously injured someone. I had just taken my sweetie husband to work because my car is still in the shop. Earlier this morning my best friend from childhood posted this ridiculous picture of herself "planking" on her truck bed. She was basically laying there playing dead. It was a really dumb pose, but she called it "planking" and I figured since it had a name, it must be something people are doing now. So, as I was driving home from taking sweetie face to work, I couldn't wait to pull up more pictures of planking and also I looked it up in Urban Dictionary. There was really a definition, and it's kind of entertaining. (link here)

I pulled up to my house and kind of sat in the car for a while googling pictures of people planking. It's not funny at first, it's more like "What the f*** is that lady doing? She looks dead." but then when you see different pictures of grown adults in business attire laying all stiff on like, cop cars and subway platforms, it becomes pretty funny. Not only that, but it makes me want to plank too. I think something might be wrong with me. I really shouldn't be such a follower, but if it's a hot fad, I have a civic responsibility, as a blogger who has readers all over the globe, from Ukraine to Indonesia, I need to keep people aware of what is hip. So maybe I should try this planking thing, just to keep things current. I'll get back to you on that project.

So, I was in my car for EVER smirking at these pictures. Then I realized it was really damn hot in there and I needed to go into the house and have my coffee and go look up some planking pictures. You know, for work. All of a sudden, I open the door to step out and as soon as one foot hits the pavement I can see in my side view mirror that there is a bicyclist about 6 feet away and there is a look of panic on his face because he is about to hit my door. He jerks his handlebars and ends up spilling all over the pavement.

This is why I'm a horrible person and need to maintain constant contact with Jesus. I had the urge to take a picture with my iPhone and blame it on my friend once I made sure he was okay. I was going to be like "@Kimberly OMG look what your stupid planking photo caused!" except then as soon as the thought crossed my mind, I realized that something is definitely very wrong with me.

I apologized to the biker guy and he said he was fooling with his water bottle and didn't see me coming out of the car, and I told him that I was sorry, I didn't see him coming either. That could have been really bad for both him and my car door if they had made contact. He was going really fast.

Fortunately, all he had was a scrape though, and he went on his way and I realized that I had something awesome to blog about. I'm pretty sure we all walked away heroes today after that.

Holy crap update: People actually DIE doing planking???? Thanks a LOT, Kim, for ruining my morning because I'm pretty sure I'm going to be laughing at this for a few more hours and will be unable to do laundry or go to the grocery store.

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