Friday, January 27, 2012

I Am Bad People.


Hello my little bloggy minions. How are you? I'm doing great. I'm actually overreacting all morning because I have to get a cortisone shot in my knee but that's instead of surgery so I should just be thankful for that right? Of course I'm feeling neglected because I have no one to come with me and hold my hand and tell me happy things with the promise of a happy meal later since I was so brave, but that's ok. I'll get through it. I asked if I could take my own valium before hand and I heard laughing in the background and then a clearing of know the one where you're trying to stop laughing and be professional? I heard that and then "yesthasfineseeyoutomorrow" click. HAHA. Yes, I grossly over react when it comes to needles and "procedures" in general. But I'm actually ok. It's probably more of the attention whore in me that is acting up. DOWN WHORE!!!

I'm pretty sure this shot is going to hurt to Hades though because I deserve it to. I just found out today that I am kind of an a-hole. And that's really bad because I don't like a-holes that much.

Lucy has some splaining to do.

About two weeks ago my friend in Texas (who is a little socially off, think Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory.) told me he had started dating a new girlfriend and didn't really know her that well and blah blah blah, and good for you, etc. I think I was painting my nails. He's always dating a girl, she always dumps him like a month later because she can't handle the fact that he chews with his mouth open or has irritible bowel syndrome and farts constantly even in restaurants or something to that effect so I'm sorry, but it was redundant. (this friend is not on facebook because he doesn't know how it works). Well, I asked him what her name was so I could facebook stalk her (I am protective of my friends, no matter how uncouth and farty they are in public, so I always facebook stalk. Don't judge, employers do it too before they hire you. Sidebar: that's why I'm self employed) ..A D H D!! sorry....

Anyways so I pull up this girl's photo and text it to him. She's kind of hot. I give it a week. If I had been listening instead of deciding whether I wanted to wear Skankho Red or go all edgy and try IhateMyselfBlack nail polish, I would have heard they'd already been dating a month. My bad.

He asks, "oh my gosh, that's Mandy, where did you get that?" Duh, facebook, and you just told me her last name, like you always do, one ever learns....

I actually opted not to paint my nails at all because I was starting to get sleepy and he was going on about "do you know her?" etc because I used 2 percent of brain power and found the picture in like 20 seconds. So I told him that I found her on a high dollar escort site and that she likes long walks on the beach, threesomes with other men, S & M, and isn't afraid to spank a bad boy.

He sounded really confused, and I was sleepy so I changed the subject and ended the call, rolled over, went to sleep.

....two weeks later.......

He calls me and tells me he and Mandy are on the outs big time because he's just trying to help her get her life on track and he didn't want her to feel judged,but he thought he could help her by recommending a sex addiction/deviant counselor and possibly help her get on her feet and stop selling her body and that b*** was so ungrateful and so far in denial that they just kept fighting nonstop until he was so stressed out that he couldnt "reach her" and they broke up.

Oh hell. I forgot about the joke and forgot to say just kidding because I had my face in my nail polish drawer pissed that I couldn't find my "What's a Tire Jack?" Pink because that's my favorite one.

So they broke up. I'm still trying to figure out how to make it up to him but not willing to travel to texas and have a farty, open mouth chewed lunch. I can be a great friend from afar.

I said sorry like three times but he insisted he has a good radar and it doesn't matter (no he doesn't.) and that it was meant to be (no I totally stole your thunder dude) and why can't all girls be like me (that would be a nightmare). So I laughed at him. Cuz that's what I'm best at and do you know what he asked then? "Are you going to blog this?"

"Can I?"

"I don't know what a blog thing is so be my guest."

You're welcome.

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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

My Phone is A Bad Little Monkey

It's not even lunchtime yet and my iPhone has been making an asshole out of me all morning. I mean, I do a great enough job making people around these parts "bless my heart" all by myself but Im pretty sure the i in iPhone stands for idiotizer.

Here's my reasons why that happened just THIS morning:
That damn autocorrect.

Turning it off isn't really a good option either because the buttons are so tiny, spelling correctly just isn't going to happen. At least when the autocorrect word substitutes, the replacing word is spelled correctly. Everyone can LOL at a good autocorrect fail. If you turn the autocorrect off you just look uneducated and careless.

So far this morning, I replied "Kill" to a friend who asked me if I was upset with them because autocorrect thought that was more appropriate than LOL.

This morning I was all hyperfocused on something with a friend and was writing a lengthy text , I realized that my part of the conversation looked like a dead sea scroll or something. Blackberry never let me go on that long. Blackberry had a character limit. Not only that but I'm pretty sure that he has a different carrier and I definitely know he has a different phone that probably does have a character limit on texts so my stuff was coming at him like rapid fire. I loooked at the screen and it was like "white bubble that has one sentence reply" then giant green conversation bubbles (me) that just go on and on. Damnit, I know that is my fault but at least Blackberry had my back on the filter thing. Then, when I moved over to do something on my laptop, I leaned over on my phone and boob dialed same person. I say boob dialed because I was lying on my stomach reading a file and the phone was next to me, laptop needed a good reach to get ahold of. BAM boob dial. Thanks locking screen that allegedly locks after ten seconds. It didn't. So not only have I talked my friend's ear off, who has a regular day job unlike my circus, but now I look like it is so damn urgent I had to call him at work.

Another friend asked me how my knee was doing and I repied "I hope I don't have to get another big shot" except autocorrect thought it wasnt done fkking with me for the day and decided to replace shot with shit. This isn't even a close friend who thinks my idiot fails are endearing, it's a client turned friend. Awkward. I dont even say the word shit that much and when I do I spell it with stars. So I dont even know why it did that.

I wish I could stop there, but what finally inspired me to go put my phone on a charger far far from me was when I misdialed my gay friend and accidentally got the tour manager of one of my bands because his last name is the same as my friend's first name and I still hate the way iPhone files contacts. When the guy answers the phone, I said "hollerrrrr" cuz that's how my friend and greet each other. There is silence and the guy on the other says "I know it's later on the east coast, but isn't it still too early for alcohol?"


Dear Blackberry, I am so sorry I cheated and left you for iPhone's flashy awesomeness. Your karma wrath is felt daily. I promise.

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Monday, January 9, 2012

Not gonna lie. I gained some poundage over the holidays.


You guys, I am so irritated with myself. I know I can't be alone here. I gained some unwanted weight during the holidays, which is not life altering, but it did really make a differnce in how my clothes fit and how I felt about myself.

If you're not new here, and especially if you know me personally, you know I am pretty forthcoming about the struggles I have faced in my past. I struggled with an eating disorder two years ago that sometimes still rears its ugly head. It was never about food, it was a coping mechanism that I used to get me through a terrible divorce. I didn't realize I actually had a problem until it got so bad, I was interventioned by my employer at a major airline that I'd lose my position in international departures if I didn't get help. I weighed double digits when I was admitted. I spent two months in a residential facility swearing everyone else was the problem and I was just depressed. I developed irreversible heart damage and had heart failure twice. The therapy saved my life when I finally submitted to it. But you never really recover from something like that, sometimes it still haunts you. And when I gain weight, I usually just skip a few meals.

This is wrong, and I know it, and because I gained so much weight over the holidays, I realized I needed to do something healthy, but how? I hate excercising. Hate. I figured I would just cut down on things but then I was booked for a photo shoot on the beach in Charleston and I panicked. Usually, modeling doesn't bother me because I enjoy it. I can wear spanx and the photographers are wonderful at photoshopping my flaws. I can pull off evening gowns like a pro. Suddenly I realized that I had found my motivation to exercise, eat right, and do it RIGHT. Because if I skip meals, I will lose my awesome rack (the BONUS of gaining weight), and I will not look pretty, I will look sick and I don't want to be sucked into the sickness again.

My friend and business assistant Jessica and I , who have been bff's forever, gained exactly the same amount of weight. She's newly single. We're both motivated, but we hate traditional excercise. So we decided to JUST DANCE it off with the WII, and video it for your entertainment. And for accountability.

I realize that some people will just think we're acting stupid, but we had SO much fun today, that we're going to keep it up. I am determined to look great in a bathing suit, and it will be the first time I've followed through on a healthy diet. I need your support and prayers, seriously. Anyone who has never been through or loved anyone with an eating disorder knows that it's not about food, almost at all. This is me letting go. Letting go in front of you, being immature, dancing like no one is watching. Living life in the moment, and trying very hard to see something through. If anyone wants to join us, you are welcome!!

I am also starting my ice conditioning 2 times a month and returning to figure skating. We'll also do tennis, but we think this Just Dance game is fun. Anyone in the Charlotte Area wanna do this together, come on over, we'll set a time and wiggle those calories away.

UPDATE: have fun watching that completely stupid video, and we totally meant what we said, except the cussing, that was Jessica. Anyways, I had a knee injury that has me on bedrest now since basically the day after that video so our plan got garbage canned. Well technically she can still do it. Damn, I need to get on her slack bum.

I'm excited. I think the video is done uploading, if so, I'll post it.
Hateful comments will be deleted and the commenter will be prayed for. Just don't be like that, if you have so much hate, why do you read this? Have some nuts and post your name to your comment, or it means nothing.

I love you all and happy new year!!! I can't wait to finish this project!! I have til April 14th!!! Aah!!