Not gonna lie. I gained some poundage over the holidays.

THIS BLOG HAS an UPDATE AT BOTTOM.

You guys, I am so irritated with myself. I know I can't be alone here. I gained some unwanted weight during the holidays, which is not life altering, but it did really make a differnce in how my clothes fit and how I felt about myself.

If you're not new here, and especially if you know me personally, you know I am pretty forthcoming about the struggles I have faced in my past. I struggled with an eating disorder two years ago that sometimes still rears its ugly head. It was never about food, it was a coping mechanism that I used to get me through a terrible divorce. I didn't realize I actually had a problem until it got so bad, I was interventioned by my employer at a major airline that I'd lose my position in international departures if I didn't get help. I weighed double digits when I was admitted. I spent two months in a residential facility swearing everyone else was the problem and I was just depressed. I developed irreversible heart damage and had heart failure twice. The therapy saved my life when I finally submitted to it. But you never really recover from something like that, sometimes it still haunts you. And when I gain weight, I usually just skip a few meals.

This is wrong, and I know it, and because I gained so much weight over the holidays, I realized I needed to do something healthy, but how? I hate excercising. Hate. I figured I would just cut down on things but then I was booked for a photo shoot on the beach in Charleston and I panicked. Usually, modeling doesn't bother me because I enjoy it. I can wear spanx and the photographers are wonderful at photoshopping my flaws. I can pull off evening gowns like a pro. Suddenly I realized that I had found my motivation to exercise, eat right, and do it RIGHT. Because if I skip meals, I will lose my awesome rack (the BONUS of gaining weight), and I will not look pretty, I will look sick and I don't want to be sucked into the sickness again.

My friend and business assistant Jessica and I , who have been bff's forever, gained exactly the same amount of weight. She's newly single. We're both motivated, but we hate traditional excercise. So we decided to JUST DANCE it off with the WII, and video it for your entertainment. And for accountability.

I realize that some people will just think we're acting stupid, but we had SO much fun today, that we're going to keep it up. I am determined to look great in a bathing suit, and it will be the first time I've followed through on a healthy diet. I need your support and prayers, seriously. Anyone who has never been through or loved anyone with an eating disorder knows that it's not about food, almost at all. This is me letting go. Letting go in front of you, being immature, dancing like no one is watching. Living life in the moment, and trying very hard to see something through. If anyone wants to join us, you are welcome!!

I am also starting my ice conditioning 2 times a month and returning to figure skating. We'll also do tennis, but we think this Just Dance game is fun. Anyone in the Charlotte Area wanna do this together, come on over, we'll set a time and wiggle those calories away.

UPDATE: have fun watching that completely stupid video, and we totally meant what we said, except the cussing, that was Jessica. Anyways, I had a knee injury that has me on bedrest now since basically the day after that video so our plan got garbage canned. Well technically she can still do it. Damn, I need to get on her slack bum.

I'm excited. I think the video is done uploading, if so, I'll post it.
Hateful comments will be deleted and the commenter will be prayed for. Just don't be like that, if you have so much hate, why do you read this? Have some nuts and post your name to your comment, or it means nothing.

I love you all and happy new year!!! I can't wait to finish this project!! I have til April 14th!!! Aah!!