Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I Might Have Missed the Memo....or Did I?

I'm going to file this under TMI because there is poop in it. HA HA. Sorry.

I mean only a little though. And it's not dog poop. It's about you pooping. Not me . Because you see I do not actually have waste. I am 100% sparkle. That's why I can flippantly discuss this.

Ok, so poop's not the topic, but if you're this far down you're not turning back. Today, things got a little silly on the Twitter and my Twitter mafia and I started discussing sayings that don't make sense.

The conversation started with "See a Man About A Horse" because I heard someone say that earlier and then someone else just kind of chuckled. Yes, I know that means you're going to go poop, thank you for sharing you creeper. But laughing dude, why are you laughing? Do you actually get that joke? I mean why do you have to see a man about a horse? What does a horse have to do with poop? I don't get it. Are you looking between your legs and there is a horse? Or perhaps you make horse noises? I mean Im sure my speculation makes it even more disgusting than it needs to be but really, what does that mean? Fortunately, on this one, an old friend who is notorious for being an idiot and knowing everything at the same time piped in and told me it basically means it comes from the 1900's and buying a horse took a long time. So essentially, you're going to be gone a long time. Damn my train of thought was pretty far away from its destination on that one.

So I thought, before good ol' Max K deciphers every single one of these, I thought I would post some on here that I don't understand and let you come along as my train goes the scenic route to find out what the hell anyone is talking about. SPOILER ALERT: Nothing gets solved.


A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
What the hell? First of all, bush reminds me of the time I was in like 6th grade and some boys on the bus were asking if I trimmed my bush and I said what? No my mom does because I thought they meant rosebushes because what the hell else could that mean, when they really meant my private spot which made no sense at all because I was only like 11. This train needs to divert NOW. But you know what I mean. So automatically, any time I hear the word "bush" and it's not referring to a band with hottie frontman Gavin Rossdale (call me) , my brain goes back to that day on the bus when I had to ask the older kids why that was so funny. There was no google then. Damn I feel old.

So why the hell is two birds in the bush the same as one in the hand? They're birds. The birds in the bush can fly away and if you grab the little fkker in your hand by the foot he can't. And if it's a girl bird, then she can lay eggs and you'll have more birds, so I don't see how they are the same. And that's just me trying to take this apart literally. I don't know what this could relate to except maybe money. But one dollar in my hand is not the same as two dollars in the bank because I will spend the dollar in my hand on chocolate and eat it and then the two dollars in the bank will over draw and become negative dollars because I forgot netflix was coming out. So I really don't get it. I dont relate.


There are more than one ways to skin a cat.

Are you kidding me? That's disgusting. Who wants to wear cat fur. Plus it falls out and gets all over the place so domesticated cat fur would be a stupid accessory. I'm assuming thats why you would skin a cat anyway is for the fur, but if you want to skin a cat for any other reason you are not only fashion stupid but you are crazy. Why would you skin a cat? So how does this relate to what I'm guessing this means which is there are more than ways to solve this problem. So, why not say, instead, that there are more than one ways to smash a scary bug. Because there are so many bugs and it makes sense why you would smash one, and also you can smash one with a glass, with a hammer, with your foot, I mean, soo many ways. And it makes sense and could mean the same thing. I don't know who started this saying, and I imagine it was like eary times Twitter where Twitter was actually one of those crazy carrier pigeons that only knows how to fly home and people lived really freaking far apart. That would be pretty disrespectful to the pigeon if all it was carrying for three days was LOL. Which pretty much as pointless as "there are more than one ways to skin a cat" in olden days. Maybe they were poor and ate cats. I just dont know.

It's as broad as it is long
I know this means basically "who the hell cares, why does this even matter" but I would never say this because people would still say "What?" or here in the south they say "Doooo-whuuutt?" So, this one is just stupid and therefore will never leave my typey fingers again or my lips.

It's raining cats and dogs

Ok, I get it, it's raining alot. But why not say it's raining cars, or houses, or I dont know, ALOT. Why cats and dogs? Why not just one, why both? Raining cats and dogs would be messy and loud and extremely unfunny.
I don't like this one. I prefer "It's pouring" OR "it's raining a sh*tload" if you are really committed to being a smartass. That's just me though.

Can't get blood from a stone!
Of course you can't. Why would you try? Squeeze a bug, and they bleed cool colors, like green. But not a ladybug because that's messed up, what are you some kind of evil monster?

People in Glass Houses Should Not Throw Stones

I completely understand this one, and I'm only adding it here because it needs to be updated. No one throws rocks anymore. They're like nasty little word assassins. So people who leave their phones lying around shouldn't piss me off because I'll update their status to say they are pooping. Because people are too damn stupid to understand see a man about a horse and it gets way more "likes" if you keep it simple. Ok, that was a reach and that made no sense to me, so I'm going to edit myself and basically say . DONT BE A JERK. That's what that means. Stop being an a-hole. Because being an a-hole is second only to being a douchebag and douchebags weren't invented in olden days, but assholes definitely were.

Okay, so that's it for now because I'm supposed to be doing something else, and my ADD meds are kicking in so if I don't withdraw right now this will be 44 pages long and actually smart, which would make it unfunny. And it would have footnotes, but then at least Derek from Teague Publishing would be happy. (I'm still not ready)

Love and kisses and unskinned cats and horses that were bought impulsively.


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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Importance of Being Playful

I had probably one of my favorite days ever today and I spent it acting childishly. I need to elaborate though, because I know I tend to the childish side more often than the average person but I actually mean it a little more literally today.

Today, I was invited by Discovery Place to attend a media/blogger day. I love Discovery Place. Of course, it is a great place to take kids to learn. There are awesome exhibits to teach and inspire, and that's all good and fine...but I think this place is seriously undervalued as far as adults go. How often do you go without kids? If you answered never, then I think you are long overdue for a visit.

First of all, kids are always learning, learning every day, people are always trying to reach them. While Discovery Place provided that in HD, the value I take away every single time I go there, is the gift of sore abs after nonstop laughter.

Of course I went through the Mummies of the World exhibit, and that is wonderful and exciting and awesome and educational, but I already did that. Today I came to play.

Today, the stresses of at work and home and personally were cast aside for an afternoon of playing like a child. I used the wind machine to make it rain foil confetti and then I danced in it. We made a stop animation using a snake. We smacked pots and pans around. We built. We explored. I walked on a rope bridge with heels on, fully aware that I was going to get stuck and completely joyful when it happened and I freed myself. I saw a giant tortoise. I told it I loved it. I made friends with a rainbow colored fish that followed my finger around the glass but not someone else's. I saw a seahorse zip around an aquarium like it was on crack while the other ones slept. I watched a grown man get his butt kicked at tug of war by three 7 year olds. He says he let them win but I'm not so sure...haha....I got tweeted to by an actual bird and it wasn't on my phone. I tweeted back and didn't even realize the joke potential til just now because I wasn't concerned with my phone. I WASNT CONCERNED WITH MY PHONE. Anyone who knows me knows that is some kind of miracle. I laughed and laughed and laughed. And laughed.

It is so important to realize the importance of laughter as a daily is not even possible to laugh unless you forget your stress, if even just for a short while. Laughter makes your heart go faster, gets your blood flow going, and makes you feel wonderful. Being carefree and childlike is not a bad thing, in fact I think it is necessary as adults to make sure not to let that inner child wander too far away...I love mine. Actually, my inner child pretty much holds my hand and tugs me along behind it....sometimes I let her run, and other times I have to say no to things like another cupcake or staying up when I can't keep my eyes open.

It's true that someone has to be the adult, but I think being a child is completely underrated. If you can't laugh, if you can't have fun, if you can't let go and just be in the moment, then I can't imagine what you expect to be waiting for you at the end of the tunnel other than exhaustion.

It's okay if you lost track of your inner little don't have to go to Discovery Place to find them, but it's a good start. If you're one of my international readers, then maybe try this: Go get some bubbles at a toy store. They're still super cheap. Imagine your problems leaving your body as you exhale and watch them float away from you and finally popping, disappearing into obscurity. It all goes downhill from there. Sideways. Hands across your chest and laughing like it's illegal. This I promise you.

Love you all the way to the moon

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Thursday, February 16, 2012

Love and Valentines Day and Pimps and Hos.

Hello everyone!! Did you make it through Valentine's day okay? I wanted to blog about it , but then I didn't. I can't really think of what to post today so I went over my list of things that pop into my head for blog topics and then I had to cross off like five because if you think what I say is inappropriate here, you should see what don't post. Part politically incorrect, part WTF and all awesome, some things just can't make the cut. That's the kind of stuff you have to hear from me in person, so you should totally come hang out with me at one of my events and you'll see for yourself. It's fun.

So maybe this will be about love, and maybe Valentine's day, you know how we roll here. I just kind of go.

First of all, I get nauseated when men/people take a stand and call Valentine's Day the Hallmark's too commericial....I love you every day so why should I treat you special today....etc...This is me waving my middle finger at you. Don't get all pious about Valentine's Day being commercial if you participate in every other holiday, plus superbowl, plus you wear any kind of team/sports branding. You suck. Hallmark has whored out every holiday all it can and you people all participate in the tradition of sending holiday cards to pretend you're sending holiday cheer to people you haven't seen in like 200 years. Women, if you wont show up in a fashion show wearing your favorite Target jeans but you are saying you don't care if you get flowers or not because it's SO commercial, you're getting a finger wave too. Liars.

I don't buy that for one second. I think a vast majority of people participate in the corporate game of pimps n hoes that drives the global retail industry.

The women are to blame too. Valentine's flowers and presents are like the equivalent of penis extensions for men. Especially in an office setting. OH MY!! LOOK HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME!! This unspoken competition of who got the best flowers goes on all day and continues on facebook where pictures fly up the news feed of large arrangements and ugly teddy bears captioned "Aww" or ";)" "soo unexpected, love you baby"

Some women use flower sending as a tool to make women/men jealous and keep themselves from appearing as if no one loves them.

I am not saying that every man should send flowers on Valentine's day. I'm also not saying you're a tool for falling prey to commercial influence. I'm saying don't be a hypocrite in your designer sunglasses and jeans while you wag your finger at the retailers. If Valentine's Day is important to your girl, send her the damn flowers. Write her a poem. Recognize it. Or don't...but don't get this holier than thou attitude about it if you're dressed in head to toe NFL. That makes you a hypocrite.

Did I get flowers for Valentine's Day? No, but my currency is chocolate. There better be some damn chocolate. I work from home though so I don't have any b words to compete with. If I were in an office, I think I would probably send myself a singing midget in a sea turtle costume holding Starbucks in one hand and Dr. Pepper in the other sitting in a tray of reese's peanut butter cups. That's true love.

Til next time!!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

A Peek Into My Brain

So, I can safely say that I pay attention to detail and that I pay no attention to detail in the same sentence. I have lived in this house for like two years or something. Today, I was trying to email a client some ideas and avenues to pursue for future press opportunities and blah blah blah stuff you dont care about but whatever, I was sending this email and I looked up in deep thought (I know right! Where was the camera then!?) and then as I was looking up, I look out the window and I notice what you see in the picture. How did I not notice this for two years and why am I noticing now?

Isn't that weird? Who designed that? Was that on purpose? Owners adrenaline junkies? Does the door open?

And then my phone rang and then I got into a conversation and then I got some facebook notifications and then I LOL'd at them and then I checked my twitters and then I realized I hadn't pressed send on the email and then I remembered why I got stuck and then IT STARTED ALL OVER AGAIN!!1

Does this bother ANYONE else???

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Public Service Announcement of the Day

Allright you guys. This blog has been coming for a while. Especially since my following has started growing by numbers I can't hit "follow up" fast enough (which is VERY COOL) and I get so many messages asking me the same thing that I think it would be a good use of my time to go ahead and post here and let you newbies refer to it when trying to figure out what in the hell a "Shannondrauch" is.

I probably have your dream job. I get told that a lot. Mostly because in a nutshell, I don't have to get dressed, I get up when I want, I do whatever I want, and I literally mess around on social media ALL day. I get paid for it. Really well.

Not the craigslist work from home kind of get paid scheme, but I have built a legitimate business out of what started out as nothing more than my random ADHD blips that a few people LOL'd at.

I started with my Twitter and I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't even know anyone was watching me and I'd just tweet whatever I wanted. Did my dog just #fart and I can't believe we're still conscious? I'll tweet that. I don't care. And you'll retweet it because you didnt want to tweet that yourself and coming from me , you get the credit for spotting that little comedic gold nugget, but you're safe from judgement because ultimately, I said it. Your clever friends/followers will follow me because they thought it was funny too, and even though I didn't post any more tweets about #dogfarting that day, I probably went off the appropriate chart somewhere else.

I started writing for I have awesome writing skills and an expensive camera and I know what to do with them. I am a ninja on facebook. I will "like" that picture you posted faster than you can make sure it actually posted. I keep this blog. I have a pretty big digital reach and it all started by screwing around on Twitter. I'm relatable.

I "check in" places . I will go to a restaurant and sit down and when my food comes, I will tweet "OMG this #enchilada at @randommexicanrestaurant is SO GOOD! I'm so happy I came here" and nine times out of ten, management will walk right over to the table. I have gotten free #drpepper from @drpepper and then McDonald's figured out I liked #coffee so they send me free #McCafe's all the time. Do you see where I am going with this? To make a difference online you have to reach out to people. They will reach back.

I get businesses that ask me how I grew my following. I follow everyone back, I thank each one. I don't ask for things. I don't send you shit that says you won a free iPad if you click here because I'm not ignorant enough to click on that link that said "someone said something bad about me in their blog".

Do I get to sit in my pajamas all day and twitter? Yes, but because I have been hired by people to help with theirs, I am growing and responding and monitoring and managing over 30 twitter accounts. I have politicians, musicians, celebrities, small businesses, large businesses, and media outlets paying me to make sure they're digitally kosher. I just signed onto a deal with an entertainment company in Nashville that is probably going to buy me a brand new mercedes before I turn 35. (I'm sick of my old one so that's my goal.)

Am I being a braggy asshole? Yes, probably if you are an ignorant hater. Listen to me. Anyone can do what I'm doing. I just caught onto something really quick and ran with it.

So while you're wondering how I'm tweeting curse words about how my dog just ate an army tank how I possibly am making money doing this and why I'm relevant at all, just know that my secret is not a secret. Embrace who you are, or what the passion is behind your business and then let it show through in your digital correspondence. My profession isn't "being professional" on my twitter. It's me. Being me.

I have a few haters, and that's fine because they stalk this blog more than my fans do. It's very simple, hate me or not, you are still clicking this and driving up my internet traffic, ultimately helping me get closer to my new car. #beepbeepbaby :)

Love you all the way to the moon!


Monday, February 6, 2012

The Part I Was Going To Tell You

I'm kind of a big deal in Nashville now.

Good Thing You Didn't Die, Dog and Other News

"Oh I'm just going to hide under this table because if the shit I eat doesn't kill me, my mom will. Because I'm an idiot."

I would like to thank my idiot dog Kito, who already put me through this bullshit, for ruining my big blog announcement because all I can think about is WTF, why don't you have any impulse control??? Seriously, I'm not even masking my vulgarity today. I'm not even going to link you to my big news on this blog because I don't want it sharing the same page, but I need to get my rage out ASAP because right now this psycho is hiding under the table because he senses my carnal urge to FREAKING END HIM.

No, it doesn't matter that I'm googling madly to see if he's going to die of eating raw chicken. (he's not) or that now I have to monitor his activity for the inevitable epic dump he's going to take, presumably all over a four thousand dollar persian carpet, like he did last week.

All I can see right now is red and if that dog has enough sense to hide under the damn table, then why can't he control his impulses to not be a jackass. I have no idea.

It's not like this dog isn't spoiled stupid. HE GETS INTO EVERYTHING. There is no dog whisperer that can help him without charging us thousands. I dont know how he is still finding socks, we don't even really have that many left but he is still pooping those out too.

I don't want him to have to go through surgery or being put down but mostly, I don't want ME or the kids to have to go through that again. I was a freaking mess!!! And this joker dog is incapable of reform. OMG.


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Friday, February 3, 2012

Swagger Starts Young and Other News my pants. ( i had a different title that was funnier but this seems just wrong now, but because of my no erasing policy it has to stay)

Welcome to immature humor, times about 6 thousand because right up until my caffiene kicked in, I have been running on reserves so long I have gotten delirious.

I could use this blogging opportunity to tell you what happened in Nashville but instead, I'll just hold onto that until there's an official announcement from the entertainment company. That's right. I posted a tweet the other day about being about to pop with big news but then I got all these "omg are you pregnant" texts which completely confused me because I usually tweet and forget what I just said because I'm doing 16 other things. At least. NO I am not pregnant. Let's just get this straight, I will NEVER have that news to give you. Last time I had a child, there was no facebook, no myspace, and even if there was,the thought of posting the fact that something is in my uterus online freaks me out. I don't know how you people do those belly shots like that because I felt like a cow the whole time, and if I posted to you how much I actually ate, you'd think I was pregnant with 6 of them. Also, quite frankly, I know I'm going to offend someone here but I think 3D ultrasounds are creepy and the baby looks like a scary swamp alien IN EVERY CASE. So if you people ever wondered if there is a topic I really wouldn't go into if it was my situation, it's that one.

I really dont even talk about my kids that much because it's just private. They can be on facebook if they choose to, not because I posted how big baby's first turd was or why I'm dreading a parent teacher conference.

Also, one more point I would like to make is that being pregnant is basically just a sucessful FKK. If I said I was pregnant, then you would know what I did. So besides the fact that I'm done having kids, I really don't want people thinking of me naked. Which you probably are now, you sicko, just stop. It's nothing to write home about, I assure you. Any pic you see on facebook has probably been photoshopped to my satisfaction.

I love how I just re read this and I can take an idea or thought and just murder it into something different. Basically what I am saying is that I have boundaries, you guys!! Basically. I do have a no editing policy though so what ever randomness flies around and sticks here, is here for good. Hence typos and some TMI. It's kind of how I roll. All blog gangster like. Keeping it real.

I am actually just posting today because I promised Teague Publishing I would. They would like to bolt me to a chair and force me to write a book, and they believe that if they held caffeine hostage that it would produce legitimate writing. That's really cute, you guys. What will probably happen if you deprive me of caffeine is that you will end up with 50 pages consisting of threats, apologies, then worse threats, then pictures of sailboats,then sinking sailboats with you on them, then pictures of buildings on fire, then some hangman games because I'd be so all over the place I'd forget the word and be able to play that successfully alone, then I'd probably start eating pencils and then develop a diet plan that guarantees 20 lbs in your first 6 months or your money back** (see footnote). After about three days of that, I'll have figured out how to make the internet come back on using a paperclip, a hairball and a pocket mirror and I'll be back on twitter tagging you in malicious posts and offering a reward for my rescue. You guys are going to have to come up with some alternatives. I think giving me caffeine first would be a good start. Perhaps internet with some parental controls. Have your people call my people. #callme

What else....oh, I am putting my logo on a race car. It's really mostly because my son would think it's cool. I was over the moon when he told me he won a "my mom is cooler than your mom" round because one of the kids' friends saw me on TV.

**2 hour pause** cuz I got distracted and forgot I was blogging and doing other things like phone calls -- you didnt even notice though right?

Funny story....
Speaking of kids that think I am cool, I was distracted because a friend of mine just commented on a facebook post (this is actually relevant). This guy was a kid in my mom's class when she was a 4th or 5th grade teacher. I was in high school and I sometimes would spend the day with her if I had a day off. This kid was as gorgeous as a kid could be and all the little girlies loved him. The mack daddy of the 4th grade. Thickest eyelashes I'd ever seen and this kid knew it. This kid had so much game, I learned later in the day that he thought I was pretty because his little friends came back from recess elbowing each other and he's got a cocky little look to him. Also all the little girls suddenly stopped being nice to me. Cattiness starts at an early age and so does cockiness. I'm sure this boy who I will call LW, didn't have any other way to be because I heard how gorgeous his little face was nonstop the first day my mom got her new students. His baby sister and brother were beautiful children too and my mom was friends with the mom.

Anyway, fast forward 300 years later when facebook is invented and I get a friend request from the angel child himself. I couldn't wait to call my mom and tell her that her favorite little angel face had found me on facebook. I mean, I'm sorry, but that was a huge compliment to me that this kid remembered teacher's hot daughter that long ago and then told me I was still as hot as he remembered. Of course my mom got embarrassed and told his mom who I think told him not to be bothering Mrs. Farrell's daughter and causing chatter amongst the same teachers that were there so long ago gossiping about what a little heartbreaker this boy was going to be.

Anyway, I haven't seen LW since that day in 4th grade, but it does make my mom a little itcy that we're facebook friends. We dont even really talk, but it's a great story. You probably had to be there though to see all those little 4th grade girls with their noses upturned and arms crossed and that little kid full of eyelashes knowing he had every single one of them including his teacher on a string. Basically this kid was the Biebs of the 4th grade. Good times.

Well, I have derailed enough today, but I'll be back soon because I have a really, really cool update to share. Im just waiting for the GO...

Love and snuggly creatures

** DISCLAIMER: eating pencils will give you lead poisoning and you will probably die never get your money back. You call it trickery, I call it good business sense. #callme