Swagger Starts Young and Other News
...in my pants. ( i had a different title that was funnier but this seems just wrong now, but because of my no erasing policy it has to stay)
Welcome to immature humor, times about 6 thousand because right up until my caffiene kicked in, I have been running on reserves so long I have gotten delirious.
I could use this blogging opportunity to tell you what happened in Nashville but instead, I'll just hold onto that until there's an official announcement from the entertainment company. That's right. I posted a tweet the other day about being about to pop with big news but then I got all these "omg are you pregnant" texts which completely confused me because I usually tweet and forget what I just said because I'm doing 16 other things. At least. NO I am not pregnant. Let's just get this straight, I will NEVER have that news to give you. Last time I had a child, there was no facebook, no myspace, and even if there was,the thought of posting the fact that something is in my uterus online freaks me out. I don't know how you people do those belly shots like that because I felt like a cow the whole time, and if I posted to you how much I actually ate, you'd think I was pregnant with 6 of them. Also, quite frankly, I know I'm going to offend someone here but I think 3D ultrasounds are creepy and the baby looks like a scary swamp alien IN EVERY CASE. So if you people ever wondered if there is a topic I really wouldn't go into if it was my situation, it's that one.
I really dont even talk about my kids that much because it's just private. They can be on facebook if they choose to, not because I posted how big baby's first turd was or why I'm dreading a parent teacher conference.
Also, one more point I would like to make is that being pregnant is basically just a sucessful FKK. If I said I was pregnant, then you would know what I did. So besides the fact that I'm done having kids, I really don't want people thinking of me naked. Which you probably are now, you sicko, just stop. It's nothing to write home about, I assure you. Any pic you see on facebook has probably been photoshopped to my satisfaction.
I love how I just re read this and I can take an idea or thought and just murder it into something different. Basically what I am saying is that I have boundaries, you guys!! Basically. I do have a no editing policy though so what ever randomness flies around and sticks here, is here for good. Hence typos and some TMI. It's kind of how I roll. All blog gangster like. Keeping it real.
I am actually just posting today because I promised Teague Publishing I would. They would like to bolt me to a chair and force me to write a book, and they believe that if they held caffeine hostage that it would produce legitimate writing. That's really cute, you guys. What will probably happen if you deprive me of caffeine is that you will end up with 50 pages consisting of threats, apologies, then worse threats, then pictures of sailboats,then sinking sailboats with you on them, then pictures of buildings on fire, then some hangman games because I'd be so all over the place I'd forget the word and be able to play that successfully alone, then I'd probably start eating pencils and then develop a diet plan that guarantees 20 lbs in your first 6 months or your money back** (see footnote). After about three days of that, I'll have figured out how to make the internet come back on using a paperclip, a hairball and a pocket mirror and I'll be back on twitter tagging you in malicious posts and offering a reward for my rescue. You guys are going to have to come up with some alternatives. I think giving me caffeine first would be a good start. Perhaps internet with some parental controls. Have your people call my people. #callme
What else....oh, I am putting my logo on a race car. It's really mostly because my son would think it's cool. I was over the moon when he told me he won a "my mom is cooler than your mom" round because one of the kids' friends saw me on TV.
**2 hour pause** cuz I got distracted and forgot I was blogging and doing other things like phone calls -- you didnt even notice though right?
Speaking of kids that think I am cool, I was distracted because a friend of mine just commented on a facebook post (this is actually relevant). This guy was a kid in my mom's class when she was a 4th or 5th grade teacher. I was in high school and I sometimes would spend the day with her if I had a day off. This kid was as gorgeous as a kid could be and all the little girlies loved him. The mack daddy of the 4th grade. Thickest eyelashes I'd ever seen and this kid knew it. This kid had so much game, I learned later in the day that he thought I was pretty because his little friends came back from recess elbowing each other and he's got a cocky little look to him. Also all the little girls suddenly stopped being nice to me. Cattiness starts at an early age and so does cockiness. I'm sure this boy who I will call LW, didn't have any other way to be because I heard how gorgeous his little face was nonstop the first day my mom got her new students. His baby sister and brother were beautiful children too and my mom was friends with the mom.
Anyway, fast forward 300 years later when facebook is invented and I get a friend request from the angel child himself. I couldn't wait to call my mom and tell her that her favorite little angel face had found me on facebook. I mean, I'm sorry, but that was a huge compliment to me that this kid remembered teacher's hot daughter that long ago and then told me I was still as hot as he remembered. Of course my mom got embarrassed and told his mom who I think told him not to be bothering Mrs. Farrell's daughter and causing chatter amongst the same teachers that were there so long ago gossiping about what a little heartbreaker this boy was going to be.
Anyway, I haven't seen LW since that day in 4th grade, but it does make my mom a little itcy that we're facebook friends. We dont even really talk, but it's a great story. You probably had to be there though to see all those little 4th grade girls with their noses upturned and arms crossed and that little kid full of eyelashes knowing he had every single one of them including his teacher on a string. Basically this kid was the Biebs of the 4th grade. Good times.
Well, I have derailed enough today, but I'll be back soon because I have a really, really cool update to share. Im just waiting for the GO...
Love and snuggly creatures
** DISCLAIMER: eating pencils will give you lead poisoning and