Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I Might Have Missed the Memo....or Did I?



I'm going to file this under TMI because there is poop in it. HA HA. Sorry.

I mean only a little though. And it's not dog poop. It's about you pooping. Not me . Because you see I do not actually have waste. I am 100% sparkle. That's why I can flippantly discuss this.

Ok, so poop's not the topic, but if you're this far down you're not turning back. Today, things got a little silly on the Twitter and my Twitter mafia and I started discussing sayings that don't make sense.

The conversation started with "See a Man About A Horse" because I heard someone say that earlier and then someone else just kind of chuckled. Yes, I know that means you're going to go poop, thank you for sharing you creeper. But laughing dude, why are you laughing? Do you actually get that joke? I mean why do you have to see a man about a horse? What does a horse have to do with poop? I don't get it. Are you looking between your legs and there is a horse? Or perhaps you make horse noises? I mean Im sure my speculation makes it even more disgusting than it needs to be but really, what does that mean? Fortunately, on this one, an old friend who is notorious for being an idiot and knowing everything at the same time piped in and told me it basically means it comes from the 1900's and buying a horse took a long time. So essentially, you're going to be gone a long time. Damn my train of thought was pretty far away from its destination on that one.

So I thought, before good ol' Max K deciphers every single one of these, I thought I would post some on here that I don't understand and let you come along as my train goes the scenic route to find out what the hell anyone is talking about. SPOILER ALERT: Nothing gets solved.

Allright.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
What the hell? First of all, bush reminds me of the time I was in like 6th grade and some boys on the bus were asking if I trimmed my bush and I said what? No my mom does because I thought they meant rosebushes because what the hell else could that mean, when they really meant my private spot which made no sense at all because I was only like 11. This train needs to divert NOW. But you know what I mean. So automatically, any time I hear the word "bush" and it's not referring to a band with hottie frontman Gavin Rossdale (call me) , my brain goes back to that day on the bus when I had to ask the older kids why that was so funny. There was no google then. Damn I feel old.

So why the hell is two birds in the bush the same as one in the hand? They're birds. The birds in the bush can fly away and if you grab the little fkker in your hand by the foot he can't. And if it's a girl bird, then she can lay eggs and you'll have more birds, so I don't see how they are the same. And that's just me trying to take this apart literally. I don't know what this could relate to except maybe money. But one dollar in my hand is not the same as two dollars in the bank because I will spend the dollar in my hand on chocolate and eat it and then the two dollars in the bank will over draw and become negative dollars because I forgot netflix was coming out. So I really don't get it. I dont relate.

Next.

There are more than one ways to skin a cat.

Are you kidding me? That's disgusting. Who wants to wear cat fur. Plus it falls out and gets all over the place so domesticated cat fur would be a stupid accessory. I'm assuming thats why you would skin a cat anyway is for the fur, but if you want to skin a cat for any other reason you are not only fashion stupid but you are crazy. Why would you skin a cat? So how does this relate to what I'm guessing this means which is there are more than ways to solve this problem. So, why not say, instead, that there are more than one ways to smash a scary bug. Because there are so many bugs and it makes sense why you would smash one, and also you can smash one with a glass, with a hammer, with your foot, I mean, soo many ways. And it makes sense and could mean the same thing. I don't know who started this saying, and I imagine it was like eary times Twitter where Twitter was actually one of those crazy carrier pigeons that only knows how to fly home and people lived really freaking far apart. That would be pretty disrespectful to the pigeon if all it was carrying for three days was LOL. Which pretty much as pointless as "there are more than one ways to skin a cat" in olden days. Maybe they were poor and ate cats. I just dont know.

It's as broad as it is long
I know this means basically "who the hell cares, why does this even matter" but I would never say this because people would still say "What?" or here in the south they say "Doooo-whuuutt?" So, this one is just stupid and therefore will never leave my typey fingers again or my lips.

It's raining cats and dogs

Ok, I get it, it's raining alot. But why not say it's raining cars, or houses, or I dont know, ALOT. Why cats and dogs? Why not just one, why both? Raining cats and dogs would be messy and loud and extremely unfunny.
I don't like this one. I prefer "It's pouring" OR "it's raining a sh*tload" if you are really committed to being a smartass. That's just me though.

Can't get blood from a stone!
Of course you can't. Why would you try? Squeeze a bug, and they bleed cool colors, like green. But not a ladybug because that's messed up, what are you some kind of evil monster?

People in Glass Houses Should Not Throw Stones

I completely understand this one, and I'm only adding it here because it needs to be updated. No one throws rocks anymore. They're like nasty little word assassins. So people who leave their phones lying around shouldn't piss me off because I'll update their status to say they are pooping. Because people are too damn stupid to understand see a man about a horse and it gets way more "likes" if you keep it simple. Ok, that was a reach and that made no sense to me, so I'm going to edit myself and basically say . DONT BE A JERK. That's what that means. Stop being an a-hole. Because being an a-hole is second only to being a douchebag and douchebags weren't invented in olden days, but assholes definitely were.

Okay, so that's it for now because I'm supposed to be doing something else, and my ADD meds are kicking in so if I don't withdraw right now this will be 44 pages long and actually smart, which would make it unfunny. And it would have footnotes, but then at least Derek from Teague Publishing would be happy. (I'm still not ready)

Love and kisses and unskinned cats and horses that were bought impulsively.

Shannon

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1 Comments:

At March 7, 2012 at 9:55 AM , Blogger Editor Mike said...

I've always wanted to know the origins of "seeing a man about a horse" but never looked it up, so thanks. Knowing you is already paying great dividends.

 

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