Friday, February 22, 2013

I Won the Oscars of Parenting

It's like 730 AM or something like that. I haven't had coffee yet. I already drove two kids to school. Congratulations are freaking in order.

Getting a small child out the door without me feeling like a disaster survivor afterwards is tantamount to winning the lottery by finding the ticket on the ground in the rain after someone dropped it and then told you it was a winning one so you should probably pick that up.

This is how these types of mornings generally play out.

6:25 my alarm is all like WAKE UP and I'm all like NO.
6:30 SNOOZE goes off. I'm not down with morning yet, but I have two more permitted snoozes. This is where I go wake up my son and make sure he's awake. Except he is awake, and feeling super chatty. Score, he's awake!! NO. Not score. He's more interested in wanting to know what our house would be like if it was our ship and howcome the sky isn't purple with comets and do smurfs like chocolate? How sweet, right? Whatever, this kind of back and forth interaction is not my forte. I'll just say, ok dude, get ready. And he'll say ok!
6:32, looks like I have three more minutes to snooze. Sold. Don't judge me, mornings are a process and I must wake up in stages.
6:35 Dammit. Let's see what he's doing now. Oh, cool. Still not dressed, but he's started on breakfast, which is apparently the fun dip from the valentine's candy he hoarded and the dog hasn't found and barfed up at my feet. Awesome. I point out the clothes he's going to be wearing because I'm all responsible and picked them out the night before, based on weather. Because I'm so prepared.
He's excited to wear his Michigan tracksuit. He likes it when we go shopping or out and people go M GO BLUE at him. He has no idea what they are talking about but likes it. He will also say M GO BLUE at anyone wearing blue or a tracksuit, and if they are confused, which is usually, he gets really offended. Hey, by the way, he wants to know what I would do if a ferrarri was in our living room and One Direction wrote a song about Kito (our dog) and his smelly farts.
6:40 I'm explaining to him that we can talk about dog farts and ferraris and other lovely things AND get dressed at the same time. I hear my final snooze alarm going off in my room. I leave him mumbling to himself about whatever and go to get the coffee I put in the machine the night before to auto make. The house smells like coffee. Yum.

The other child that has to get ready is instagram addicted and has a bad habit of deciding there's nothing to take for lunch like two seconds before time to leave. She's also 14 so she'll decide she doesn't want to wear what she picked out the night before at the last minute. I have to watch her so she doesn't go into the 16 year old's room and steal something because that will end up in a death match later and my ears can't take shrill noises. She's fine with being late if it's her fault but god forbid anyone else make her late because it's on like donkey kong then. I do not understand this logic, nor will I try to. I just want to make sure she's up, has clothes, and is moving along as is my son.

I passed down the ADD gene to my son, so I have to go downstairs and get his medication and something to eat it with. Except he tells me he isn't hungry because he got up in the middle of the night and ate an entire box of girl scout cookies. How the hell does this happen? I'm a light sleeper and his door is like 8 inches from mine.

He has decided not to wear the M Go Blue tracksuit. He has opted to wear pants that are 3 inches too short. I thought I donated all those clothes that didnt fit PRECISELY because of his insistence to wear them. He's already downstairs now, so I must focus on the pill issue.

"I dont like blue pills" he says "They taste better if they are yellow."

I ...what? No they don't. You have always had blue. I can't even...UGH... "TAKE IT"

"I need a drink"

I pour him water

"I want diet coke"


"Can I have milk?"

We are out of milk. He drank all of it with the cookies. But he's asking me why I didnt go to the store.

I can still smell the coffee.

Somehow I manage to threaten something that I'll forget to take away later to get the pill swallowed. Next we are on to the task of finding shoes that fit the following qualifiers

1) Fit 2) seasonal appropriateness 3) matching EACH OTHER

I also have to make sure the teenager is making progress.

It's like 7:07 now, we have 5 minutes before I have to load them into the car and drive.

I convince him out of his stupid pants that dont fit because I dont want his teacher to call child services on me. He has plenty of clothes that fit. I'd write a letter to her explaining how hard my mornings are and try to level with her , but since my mom was a teacher I'm fully aware that the teacher will go home and mock me to her teacher friends and her family. More than Im sure she already does. And honestly, to me, at this point, if he's clothed and safe and clean and fed, f*** it. Go to school in highwaters for all I care. I really don't. But no. Whatever.

I promise him something that I will definitely forget later to get his proper clothes on and we are just about ready but he cant get his shoes on. He wants to take them to the car. It's time to go. NOW. If I dont get my 14 year old to the bus stop to her private school I will have to be in the car for an hour driving her round trip.

He can't take his shoes to the car, it's raining and even though I've made it his problem before and thought it would teach him a lesson, he just took his soggy socks off and went to school looking ghetto anyway and i didnt notice it til he jumped out at the carpool. Then on the way to doggie daycare my dog would eat his salty soggy socks and need surgery later. Not even kidding.

Now the ADD medicine is working and he's focused, but he's focused on if we can go snowboarding again before summer.


We get in the car, I barely get the teenager to her bus. My son is still in the back seat talking about what color snowboard he wants, shoes in hand. He's taken them off after we wasted all that time putting them on, he said his foot itched. Great. Put them on.

We get to the school and he has one shoe on. One. And we are next in the carpool lane . Not only am I not EVER prepared in the carpool lane because he's always pulling some shit like this, but I also devote all my energies in the morning to getting him to school on time. I am likely wearing pajama pants with sock monkeys, uggs, a sweatshirt inside out, and hair completely uncombed, which probably looks like a lion because it's super wavy. I havent even brushed my teeth yet. DONT JUDGE. ME time never comes until I get these kids to school. Getting up earlier not an option. If you suggest this, i will damage you. I will damage you with the same commitment I will reach into my backseat blindly hoping to connect with a kid. HAHA JK. I dont do that. Or do I? GOD i hate mornings.

So this morning, I'mn at carpool and theres all these moms dressed up with their coffee mugs telling the kids to have a good day. My car ends up in the third position and holds up the rest of the cars because I'be discovered my son has swapped pants, is missing one sock and telling the perfectly cheerfully dressed and perfect hair and perfect coffee mom volunteer that I will never measure up to that "Mommy says I cant have my socks because I didnt get ready fast enough so it's my problem now." Not only that but there are like 40 cars behind me waiting to drop their kids off and three positions ahead of me open because they can't get around me.

EVERY morning. By the time the ordeal is over with I feel like a crash survivor.

And you all wonder why I hate mornings.


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