THIS is why I don't do mornings.

So, my dog is really not having a good day. I know you all get a kick out of these dog crap blogs so here is another one for you. Sometime, in the wee hours of the morning, I noticed a drawer was ajar in the kitchen. I shut it, thinking not much of it, but when I opened it, I noticed puncture marks in a coffee bag and coffe grounds all over. Not only that but the trash can was ajar and there was a half chewed coffee filter with no grounds to be found. My super spidey senses tell me that this dog has eaten about a cup of coffee grinds. I looked around the house wondering where the inevitable trail of poop was, but he hadn't done it yet. While I was doing THAT, I also noticed that the crushed red papper I used to make beef jerky with was out and spilled. And mostly empty. That damn dog must have gotten that too. Which would explain why all the water is gone. So, I go about cleaning the spillage and the dog is outside looking at me pitifully. I decide he's probably pooped and all is well, and let him in. I put my headsets on to do my cardio . WHAT??? I know right. It' s fricken 7:30. I am awake. AND EXCERCISING. How CRRAAAZY is that? But, whatever, so I'm jamming out on my elliptical to "sexy and I know it" . I love to excercise to that. Because I jump off the elliptical and shake my shoulders forward during the WIGGLEWIGGLEWIGGLE part. It makes my laugh. At myself. As I was doing the WIGGLEWIGGLEWIGGLE shoulder thrust, I realized I heard howling. The dog wants out. Except he is looking at me, and his butt is pointed at the door and he has sprayed diarreah all over the door and I can actually make out the red pepper flakes stuck to the door. Poop is a good glue apparently. And it's still dripping. And I have to let him outside. Then, he fell in the fish pond. I called the vet and they said that if he continued crying to bring him in, but that his anus was probably just on fire. Make sure he is hydrated. Dont even start judging me because the dog is taller than me when he stands up and knows how to unlock things and knock stuff off cabinets. Ive tried to give him away, but David goes all soft. And it was me who begged to pay 8k for surgery in December. So dont get all hater on me because I'm not that sympathetic to his plight. This dog is going to die because he eats like a trash compactor and until we give him to a new owner that lives in a field that is free of rocks, trash and small animals, I doubt there is a way to avoid it. So, as I'm wiping off the squirts all over the door, in my headphones, I am hearing "sex is on fire" except now the words will forever be "your anus is on fire" THANK YOU KITO and if it gets stuck in your head that way too, you may also thank my dog. I hope your day is better than mine. Im sure the mental image bothers you and so I'll leave you be to go stab your mind's eye out. I'm also adding a picture of a cute kitten to try and make up for it , even though I think cats are evil. That's another blog.