Friday, March 9, 2012

I Should Probably Get Better At Mornings.

I hate mornings. Probably more than Garfield. In order for the coffee to actually start working when I need to be in action, there has to be someone that can actually get up, make the coffee and make sure I drink it at least 30 minutes before any productivity or fuctioning is expected.

That is not going to happen in our house because everyone else is bad at mornings too. Not as bad as me though. Mornings are inconvenient and undesireable to everyone else in my house. To me they are the freaking antichrist.

I just need to confess some cardinal mommy sins I have committed , with the worst one to date finishing the list.

1) I live like a 5 minute walk from the school. It's literally two streets behind my house and if I could cut through neighbor's backyards I'd be there AND back in 5 minutes. Except that I wake up barely in time to get my son out the door and I always end up driving. We do everything at night, bath , pick out clothes, whatever. I'm still not able to pull it together in time to walk this kid (our baby who is 7 and not old enough to walk himself, the rest of our kids have rides) to school. Not that I would if I had time because I effing hate mornings and that would mean I would need to get dressed because this is Dilworth and all of the mothers have been up since 530, had yoga, put out, made everyone breakfast, applied makeup and created the cure to the fake stomach ache. Screw you.

I invented this rule that my son has to have his daily banana because it makes him big and strong and smart. LIES. The daily banana is because it's portable, quick and it's actually not a cookie or something else I would probably permit based on the availability of a banana and an assessment of how late we are. I mean come on, a cookie is better than no breakfast. So yes, I do get up early enough to make sure the kid gets the banana. I get like half a silver star on that one. Maybe.

I'm still not going to walk to school because it's all I can do to put shoes on and get my teeth brushed first. Nope, we're driving.

2) Because we live a 30 second drive to school, I will sometimes let my son ride in the front seat. I know, I know, (hiding from tomatoes from all you perfect moms) YES I know all the traffic and safety violations I am committing. My ex husband was a cop. I get this constantly. I am such an asshole. Fine. Sometimes he gets the front. Sometimes it's the only way I can get out the door and get him to eat the bananaa. I will drive so super carefully, you see, because I am a very good driver. And he will wear his seat belt in the front. And the airbag is deactivated because I so often do this. I mean barely ever. DONT JUDGE. It's literally 30 seconds and one left turn!!! I mean we have to get there on time or I'm going to have to actually go into the office looking like a total not even hot mess and sign him in. I can't do that. I swear I drive SO careful.

I buy things for the bake sale and I don't even try to hide it. I actually know how to bake. It's just that my time management skills failed me and I forgot until 10pm that I needed to send cupcakes. Thank God Harris Teeter is still up! BAM cupcakes!!!

Sometimes I get really frustrated at the end of homework. Sometimes I just say the answer after we've worked on it a really really long time. I show him how I got it and stuff but I just get frustrated.

I don't make friends with the other moms. Because they are all like 45. Anyone that can afford to live in my neighborhood waited to have kids until success came first. I am very much the only young wife, not the only banker's wife, I'm sure, but the only one under 40, and no doubt the only one in my very early 30's. I don't relate. I don't belong to the country club and I am a joke at tennis. I can't scrapbook because that's like trying to organize a room except the room is the paper and all the stickers are all my kids damn toys that I'd rather just throw in the trash because you dont even play with that anymore anyway!! I don't think it's fun to go make copies for the teacher or read a book to the class. I can't read out loud without saying words wrong and mispronouncing because if there's anything worse than a bunch of perfect moms LOLing at me it's their kids doing it because I said orgasm instead of organism and all their moms are writing letters now about how upset they are with the inappropriate language. SIGH.

I dont want to watch everyone else's kid in the music extravaganza. I want my kid to perform and then I want to leave. Cacophony literally hurts my ears. I also think it's really crappy that this school will have a multi grade play and schedule this big performance and then without telling you put a PTA meeting in the first half hour. The moms in the PTA are so control freaky that my opinion isn't going to matter anyway and things usually work out the way I would have voted anyway. Should we have white flour crust in the pizza or wheat? I dont care enough to lose sleep over it.
The worst part about the sneak attack PTA meeting is the fact that the microphones are all set up for the concert or whatever so the teacher is just yelling over grandma and grandpa trying to figure out what is going on and everyone's 3 year old brother and sister crying and screaming from boredom. In a gym. Where the sound bounces all over the place. This is not working for me. I want it in a quiet room or I dont want to go to PTA meetings. SORRY.

And the final , sucky, you're all going to persecute me today thing that I did that I need to get out is that even though I got the memo three days ago, I forgot to have my son make a going away card for his teacher because his old teacher is back from maternity leave. The paper said HOMEMADE card. Crap. I even set my alarm on my iphone but I silenced it while I was making dinner last night. It was really good by the way. Chicken Scallopini with alfredo sauce and spring vegetables and goat cheese and angel hair. I'm not totally inept.

Oh, sorry I'm delaying. So I printed out this card from the computer and I got out the crayons and I got my son his daily banana with 5 minutes to spare til the bell (because I didnt hear the alarm so we are late now) and I tell him, please write "You're the best" on the card. He doesn't want to. He wants to eat the banana. He wants to ask me what he and his sisters are doing today. He wants to show me this dance he just made up in his dream. So I took my right hand and I wrote YOURE THE BEST in shitty handwriting (I'm left handed) and then I grabbed his hand and made him sign his name and then draw a smiley face on the outside because if I don't, I'm going to have to walk him in myself looking like a busted mess, and in order for that to happen, I'm going to have to get dressed and that's going to make him seriously late and possibly miss something educational.

There I said it.

Now I will spend the rest of the day ducking parental daggars and thunderbolts that are all probably forming in your heads right now but that's the way things are since I started my business. I start at 9 and I can only go til 2 because then I start driving and picking up and activities and grocery shopping and then dad comes home and now Im a wife, now dinner, and homework, and trying NOT to stress about all the things I didn't get done workwise, so I finally fall asleep at midnight. We once had a nanny, but when I stopped working at the airline, it seemed like a silly expense and why couldn't I do all these things myself. Well I might suck at all of them, but I try really hard to do them. I think that might be what counts. I'd be so much better if mornings werent so hard. (big sigh)

I feel better now. Don't get your ranty pants in a wad because I know the perfect moms probably suck at being impulsive and letting go of control. Which I do not. They have to suck at something...dont they?

(5 minutes later update)
Ok so I feel ocmpelled to tell you what I AM good at now.
Cuddling on the couch with my kids and telling them I love them lots
Being supportive when they are sad.
Cooking amazing delicious meals (at lunch or night)
Winning the cool mom contest because they love seeing me on TV orsitting with me in the front row at the coolest concert (age appropriate)
planning awesome vacations
driving forgotten items to school without being too jerky about it
EMPATHY - thank you DEREK from TEAGUE PUBLISHING do you really want to edit a book I write, really? I just broke my no editing policy to set you straight. If that wasnt the right typo then oh well because. Oh well. BAH!!

love, love, love
and i will never be the cool mom that lets them have beer and I dont like letting them watch dirty shows.
Also it might have been a bad idea to take my 15 year old daughter to Ke$ha and put her and her friends in the front row because I didn't know actually the lyrics and also there was a dancing penis. I'm working on this stuff. Amen the end.

This blog is already the most revolutionary in my blogging. I have busted in and edited it 4 times.

So that counts for something. Ok that is all.

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At March 9, 2012 at 9:39 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bar driving to school this is my experience of motherhood too!

At May 6, 2012 at 8:08 AM , Anonymous Socialkenny said...

Who doesn't hate mornings!?Especially a Monday lol!!


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