Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Hallo, Norwegia. I'm FAT!!! (TMI!)

I still can't sleep. It's so frustrating I don't even really wanna blog about it but I'm sitting here and I hate TV and Facebook is all full of earthquake jokes and I'm in a pissy mood. However, I got two new blog readers from Norway, so I thought I'd just throw something up here to let you know that. I also know that Norway is not called Norwegia. It's been a crazy week here in NC so far. Today we had the "earthquake" and Thursday I hear we're getting slammed with a hurricane. Busy, busy.

In other news, it's the end of the month so that means I'm going to probably have my monthly meltdown like clockwork. By my estimation it will be Friday. Based on my last one. I didn't even blog about that, but squash soup ended up on the wall, I rebroke my toe and I also sliced two of my fingers really bad I thought they needed stitches. Then my husband and kids scrambled to make me a chocolate cake so I'd come out of my room.

I could stop right there and let you believe that I'm badass like a honey badger and that I don't care, but actually, I was trying to make a cream soup like they have on the Queen Mary 2, every day a different "cream of" and they are all delicious. Anyway, I was boiling the squash and then I thought I would just puree it but you can't do that when it's hot because basically it explodes everywhere and scalds your face too.

Also, it's a good idea to put the dog outside because when you have a dog that is basically pony size like we do (he's a rhodesian ridgeback) he likes to hang out in the kitchen and lie on the floor and guard the food or something except he just gets in the way and you might bump into him when you have a knife and jump when he growls and slice your finger. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. Sadface.

Also, watch where the hell you are going because when you have a broken toe that just healed, stubbing it again when running to get towel for your scalding face doesn't really help either.

On any normal night all of these things happening would make me just cry but during the week before my period, and especially on the meltdown day (calculated exactly one month from the last one) bad things happen. Most people would act all crazy if that many unfortunate things happened to them in a row. I usually just blog about it or write facebook updates about my bad luck and I get sympathy. But during meltdown week...oh lordy...

I threw a fit so heinous and stompy that no one knew what to do. But they're warned when meltdown week begins. It's like shark week, but way more personal. Anyway when the meltdown happens, everyone knows to just leave it alone, leave me in my room for 15 to 30 minutes , sobbing, and don't dare ever tell me I'm wrong or you'll die. And get me chocolate. If you follow those simple rules you will survive me.

Do I feel really bad that this happens? Yes. I am telling you I can't help it. A lot of women get bitchy and mean or during PMS or are just bottom line crazy all the time and they don't care. I think that I'm a good deal because I only act insane one day a month, and I'm kind of pissyish the days leading up but otherwise harmless. Anyway google PMDD I do not have time to justify it. Wait yes I do. Ha.

Anyways so it's meltdown week. Someone's getting it probably Friday. I doubt Thursday because it's the Britney Spears concert. I always get good seats though thanks to my ticket ninja and my ticket jesus. They're seperate entities, but thanks to being very well connected, I never have to put up with stupid people stepping on me or jostling me at a concert again. I also get my own VIP entrance most of the time, so I dont wait in line either. So, Thursday, it is not likely that someone is going to get hurt. Unless they provoke me. Then I will smash them.

And lets just be honest here, by "smash" I mean probably stomp and go on a rant of some kind that probably has some bad words in it, that will conclude with me hiding in my room. I know, really scary. It's more like a toddler fit but sometimes they're funny. I dont mind telling you about them.

Um, oh, I call it Metldown Week because I think it could happen like, any day, with my antisocial behavior and crampy tummy marking day one, and my tolerance for idiots dwindling steadily and my pants size going from loose 4 to tight 6 due to my stupid fat stomach getting all pregnant like, until like day 5 when the meltdown happens. But it could happen any day.

The good news is that I can park in the expectant mother parking at Harris Teeter and then walk with bad posture and no one ever questions me.

just gimme the chocolate and no one gets hurt...

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