A Giant Bug Tried To Kill Me (Video, too!)

Ok, maybe it didn't try to kill me but honestly how do you prove what the intentions of an insect are? I like to err on the side of caution. Better safe than sorry right? And also it's a way funner title than "I went crazeballs after a bug fell out of a tree and landed on my head"

So basically, it was yesterday, which was my birthday, and I was walking home from the garage where my car is getting fixed. It was all sunny and nice and I was walking down a very nice street with happy trees that have little flowers and lots of shade and it was just a great birthday walk. Every three seconds I was getting more birthday love on my facebook page and it was just generally making me happy. Whatever.

Suddenly, I feel this thud on my head, and I thought it was a crabapple at first, but nothing rolled off, so I touched my head and I felt a sticky leg and a buggy body. OMG OMG OMG.

OMG. I started swinging my arm at my head like a psycho. Like there is a bat in my hair. What the hell is in my hair. I'm going to die right now. My heart is pounding in my throat. I have a heart condition people this is serious. I am not even able to scream. Maybe it's a giant spider. Maybe there is a tarantula on my head. OH SHIT!! that's what it is !! it's a tarantula, because whatever it is is huge and that's the only logical explanation. My wristlet is doing its job staying attached to my wrist. Im smacking myself which means my iphone inside my wristlet purse is sliding down my elbow and smacking me repeatedly in the face, alternating between my nose and my eye depending on how much passion is in the swing. I'm turning in circles. This shit isn't funny. What are you laughing at mexican guy mowing the lawn? AYUDAME DAMN IT!!! He's staring.

Whatever, I don't care, this is serious, I think there is a raptor on my head. It's flapping wings and hissing. I'm going to die. My hair is tangling and it's not a tarantula, it's a raptor and the lawn mowing dude isn't laughing, he's just so worried about me that he can't control his reaction. It's not his fault. Is there a textbook on how to react if there is a raptor attacking someone across the street? No there isn't. So stop judging.

FLAP FLAP FLAP OMG GET IT OFF!! I feel something hit my foot. Oh my god. There's a bug on my foot. It's a giant cicada. First a raptor, now a cicada. CALL 911 YARD DUDE !!! AAAHH!!!!...wait.

What's up, Logic??? Logic is trying to hang out. Logic says I bet that cicada is what was on your head.

Oh. That's a good point. So it's not a Raptor? Phew.

Well damn that's a big bug. So I took out my phone and taped it.

It was a pretty crazy day. Later, when my husband took me to dinner, we walked by the same spot where I told him the bug attacked me and there it was all dead. Way to overreact, bug.

Anyway....I have a magazine deadline, and I write like a grown-up for that , so I needed to get all this energy out of my system. It's like taking a child and running them all out of energy before you take them to a nice dinner or onto a plane. I gotta get all this ADHD junk clogging up my brain out so that I can write the fancy stuff.

I think we're good. Maybe. Heh....and by the way here is the video of that bug that attacked me. You're welcome.