Scar Tissue That I Wish You Saw
It's obvious I am in some sort of funk. It's not the anonymous comment sender that used every kind of dirty word possible to get to me - because yes, this person got to me. Do you know what I wanted to do today? I wanted to hire a thug that had a hook for a hand to scare him for messing with a darling like me. Honestly, it's just hard to find one of those. And I didn't really try very hard. I considered the tried and true scattering nails around his piece of crap car tires, because that's what losers do. That's when I realized that that would be loser of me. So I fantasized about all the awful bad luck this person would have. Then I reminded myself that I thought he needed botox and a new hairdo and his clothes sucked, he acts bipolar and I was warned about him several times when I was on his good side. Then I also remembered his boyfriend probably has to put up with this every day and then I imagined if they ever fight over their underwear, or if they slapped each other like girls if they had a fight. And then that made me laugh. Was that rude of me? Yes, but it kept me from acting out in a direct way that made the person feel attacked. And then do you know what I did. I sent him chocolate and sunflowers. And I didn't like, exlax the chocolate so calm down. I had FTD send it. And I wrote a nice note. And I think I told him to have a happy life. Except it was really just grating to say nice things when I wanted to tell him what an arrogant pizz worm I found him to be.
Then I realized I was doing it again.
My funk has very little to do with that, in fact I don't know what it has to do with.
I'm torn about writing about my feelings because I know from experience that people love to read about others' misfortunes. Some people want me to fail. But rock stars get to pen anthems about their breaking hearts and they get celebrated. I go through a funk and people tell me I say too much, yet they still read it.
I think the truth is , is that people all hurt in some way or another and it's never funny to capitalize or use someone else who is in pain, especially someone who is brave enough to put it out there.
It is not for attention, it is how I cope, and when people try to take it away from me, it makes me feel so very sad, for the world, not just for me.
Everyone is home from school and work now, so I have to switch modes, but I feel like my heart is floating in a fishtank full of cold water, with not even fish to keep it company. I don't feel like hurting myself, I just feel cold and numb and not myself and I know that somehow, I must find a way to keep going. There is no turmoil in my life other than that really rude person and I already handled him. In fact I get more postive feedback than ever. I think I finally understand the Britney Spears Song "Lucky"
in some sense. Obvioualy, I'm not a mega-star but I relate. Watch here.
I'm surrounded by people, but I'm cold and very lonely.