The Double Edged Sword Pokes A Little
Update: Yes I see spelling and grammar errors. I need to make dinner for my family and cannot edit right now. Therefore,
I often am in awe about how much readership this blog actually gets, especially since it was just kind of a way for me to vent things or laugh at things and I share it and you click it and we all have a laugh, and haters be damned, we all have a pretty good time. I don't really worry too much about misspellings or run on sentences here, I just GO , and I feel better later and sometimes you tell me you do too.
Later, I connected to Twitter, and not too much later, here we are today,with a nearly 12 thousand person following and readership coming from Belguim, Turkey, the Netherlands and most recently Singapore. I don't know who the hell is reading from these places but welcome. It's really amusing but rewarding because I have made my mark somewhere in a place I will probably never travel to. So big Dr. Pepper cheers on that, eh?
My personal business has gone kind of crazy and I have the liberty of not working with people who aren't a good fit for me. AKA people who aren't comfortable with the open book that is me. That's the beautiful think about having your own business and being somewhat of a personality in this city - - which is what I have become. I am not a celebrity. I don't read the news, and I've only been on TV to model, I've only had my pictures in magazined next to my writing and my PR team is me. However, through that I have been invited to host and emcee events and I get stopped at Starbucks when the person processing my card sees my name and remarks, "Is this your actual name?" Um yeah, dude, it's on my card. "I follow you on Twitter!! OMG so nice to meet you , you're so funny!" Then the other people in line want to know what the hell is going on and so they get my card too and say they're glad to meet me. It's all very amusing and humbling to me because I'm just me.
There is a downside to this though. There are the days when the days aren't so good and I need to have a vent day. There are days when I feel like someone hurt my feelings and it was undeserved and I want to complain for support and get all the E-hugs I can get and take advantage of my huge online family, but there's some kind of unwritten rule that as a "personality" now, I can't go venting and letting all my less than happy business bleed out. And embarrassingly enough, some of the things I go through aren't tragedies, but I'm such a dramatic girlie girl by nature, that I do tend to panic over things that in comparison to what other people are going through, it seems petty and I would look like an idiot complaining.
The past week has been overwhelmingly stressful for me, personally, and the biggest kicker is that there is really nothing stressful going on in my life. I just feel extreme anxiety, like someone is pushing on my chest and I can't breathe, and I don't sleep at night, and it's just eating me up and the fact that I don't even know why brings me guilt. I should be on top of the world, but lately, I just want to burrow under it - - just until it passes.
I really wish I could vent about what is really going on, as stupid and petty as it is, but the truth is, is that I'm too visible now and I feel like my wings are now pinned. What should I do? Create another anonymous blog? Go to therapy? The very reason I created this is now unavailable to me.
Maybe I'm being a baby, but I have faith it'll pass and I'll be back to normal soon.
Does anyone else ever feel this way?
Love you guys.