Thursday, September 29, 2011

Bad Things I Did Today

I am not using this as an excuse, but I have a really sore throat and it's bumming me out and I missed a fun event yesterday with friends and I'm hoping I'm not sick to miss my huge first ever magazine launch. I'm IN the magazine. Like, planned. Not like when I was in Charlotte magazine and it was someone who took my picture and put it in the "Spotted" section (although that was cool too), No, this is something that I did FOR the magazine, so I'm very excited about this launch, but I'm disappointed because I have had to change my plans with friends to go play around in NYC in order to go to this party, which is a hard call, but I'm going to do it anyway, and fly out Saturday. So I get to do both, but if I'm sick and cranky neither one is going to be as fun as I am building it up to be. So happy thoughts that I only have allergies and it's just the benadryl knocking me on my a$$ instead of some virus.

That being said, I did some things today I kinda feel bad about. Earlier, I drove through a puddle as this beautiful jogging lady came around the corner, and I sprayed her with a lot of mud water. Except the first thing I did was snicker because her pony tail was so perfect and my hair looks like a rats nest. And I realize that was mean. My friend and I were making jokes the other day about doing that to the perfect people but we didnt really do it and today I did it. I felt guilty about 30 seconds later though.

I ate too much cake and Dr. Pepper because I'm sitting on the couch all knocked out on Benadryl and posting silly tweets on my twitter. I don't ever tweet when I'm sick or tired on my client's twitters because I'd get sued so I'm working , but not really, but kind of. So I have this giant food baby. I look pregnant. I estimate that if I were actually pregnant, I would be about 2-3 months along when I eat that way. I wish I were kidding.

I went to the grocery store to get groceries and I parked in the Expecting Mothers parking space which is right up front because my stomach was so full of food and I'm so lethargic I thought I could pass for pregnant. Actually though, this is not the first time I parked in that spot. Another time I needed to go to the bathroom really bad and the other time it was just laziness. The really sad thing though, is that all it takes is a big lunch and some bad posture and people in the parking lot give me that , "aww a new mother" look. Some ask me if it's my first. And then they get the door for me. It's so addictive to get sweet pregnant lady attention! Never mind the fact that I am driving a Mercedes Convertible. They're probably thinking HA HA she is gonna have to get rid of THAT soon. Must not have been planned. Then I wonder if they think I'm a ho and then I realize that it's my damn karma fairys peeing on me instead of giving me happy dust because I've been such a jerk all day, spraying Myers Park princesses and laughing about it and then depriving legitimately pregnant women from close parking.

Also, I'm a really picky eater sometimes. Not always, but I will order things VERY SPECIFICALLY ,and then when I get a weird look from the person bringing the food (it's usually at Sonic because I would never pull this shit at a table in front of people I actually know) anyway if I order something weird covered with cheese or like I ask for 3 salsas or 3 bowls of lemons for my fish then I will say that I'm pregnant and they'll go OH! and let me have it without the weird look. Also when I ask to use bathrooms in a store becauase I waited too long like a toddler and now I suddenly have to go, and they say there isn't a public restroom and then I tell them Im so sorry Im pregnant and then they treat me like Im cute and I get to use it.

I'm really feeling guilty right now, and I probably should go eat some more cake. I pull this pregnant stuff so often that I even have it named. Its name is Piglet. For reals. So when I'm cranky and just craving something really bad for no reason,or I overeat because I'm usually so controlled, David will raise his eyebrow and I'll tell him Piglet was starving. (we arent able to have kids, so this will never happen)

So, before I spill some more evil secrets , I think I will have some more cake. You know, for the baby. Piglet's STARVING!


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