Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Repost: Tales from the Airline Days: The Captain Who is Full of it Blog

Oh, yes.  These seem to hold their value.  Enjoy. This is about two years old as well....


       Hi! I’m Shannon, FLY ME!!

Current mood:  froggy
Good morning and welcome to Flight 000 from Here to There!

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Please note that copying , tampering with, or forwarding my blog is against Shannon Policy and all violations will be ridiculed and then b*tchslapped for quality and training purposes. Also, please note the X button at the top of the page. Although a change in topic is not anticipated, ADD can occur at any time, so please click the X if you are easily confused. Please click your X before assisting the person next to you.  We adhere to a strict carryon policy, so if you have brought aboard excess negativity, we ask that you check it at the door.  An agent will be by promptly to administer the required FUA* procedures. 

As always, Thank you for flying International DisastAir, and we hope you join us again for a future blog. 

*FUA - Foot Up Arse procedures as mandated by section F article U in the inflight manual, see your agent for details
:) I know, I don’t know where I come up this this crap..

So anyway the other day I was working some flight to somewhere and I was having a hard time with the captain.   He was one of those people that was a little rough around the edges -  - the kind where you can’t really tell if they’re joking or not when they say something harsh. He kept saying that the lavs needed dumping and I had called utility a few times and they said they were on their way.  He looked at me like I was either stupid, or new, or both and then directed my attention to the panel of buttons that was on the bulkhead of the galley. 

As the flight attendants looked on, he pointed to a button near the bottom of the display.  This is the button showing the amount that is in the lavs.  You are telling me they have been serviced, but the bars here *presses button* show that there is quite a bit of fluid in the tank.

I’m pretty sure you all understand what fluid he is referring to, but in case you aren’t, it’s POOP.  It’s all the poop and pee from all the people that flew in and out and back and forth on the plane. I have no idea how big the tank is or how often it gets dumped.  And until today, I didn’t know that there was a button that could show me how much heat the plane was packing down there.

He then tells me that if utility had already come, there would be no bars. Therefore, I am BSing him.  Then he told me he was renaming the button the Shannon button.

With that, he went into the lav and slammed the door, chuckling.

He seemed to be very annoyed and rude.  I looked at the flight attendants. They shrugged and said he was hard to fly with and to ignore him.  I asked them what buttons were named after them? They laughed and continued to prepare the galley for boarding.  As I waited for a call back from the tower confirming that the lavs would be serviced before pushback, the captain came back out of the lav.

He gave me a sneer and stood in the galley, waiting for the soda he’d asked the flight attendant for.

Without thinking, I pushed the Shannon button and said "Let’s see how much is in there now!"

The bars had actually gone up noticeably.  Without thinking, again, I said "Wow!! Look how much is in there now!! You must have been REALLY full of shit!!"

The captain’s face went from sneer to frown and from red to white within seconds.   The head flight attendant burst out  laughing and he snatched his soda and went to the flight deck without a word.
For the first few seconds , I was a little remorseful about what I’d said, but the flight attendant was laughing so hard she had tears. Two other flight attendants came to the front wondering why she was doubled over and crying, confused looks on their faces.  When she got her composure, she informed me that he had been an A-hole for the last three days and this was their last day flying with him. Never before had they seen anyone render him speechless. He’d been owned.

The flight deck door was shut and as the plane pulled away from the gate, when I actually had enough courage to look at the cockpit window , the captain held up a sign written in sharpie in HUGE letters on the back of the flight release "YOURE INCORRIGIBLE" and then a sad face and pressed it against the window.

I was pretty sure that word is fancy talk for "b*tchy", or perhaps paralell to the Jewish American Princess I didnt know I was known as last week...here’s what webster says:

..(?)in-'ko?r-?-j?-b?l, -'kär-..
adjective : incapable of being corrected or amended: as a (1): not reformable : depraved (2): delinquent b: not manageable : unruly c: unalterable, inveterate

I don’t know if I really pissed the guy off or not, but I made up my own theory.
confuscious say he who talk big poo take big poo.

Gotta get ready for work!! I picked up the night shift tonight on the condition that I would be the b*tch to London instead of Frankfurt tonight. (Love Pam Ann humor!) Hope they kept their word!
Love and Fun Buttons!


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