Thursday, July 28, 2011

TMI ALERT: Balloon Stomach and Toothy Nightmares. Jealous???

Oh hello there. 

This is what I feel like

I am having one of those days where I feel sloppy and unmotivated and I really don't want to write but I'm going to anyway because it's always cathartic.

I got my dental cleaning done today and I have really healthy teeth. Which was surprising because I haven't had a cleaning in like 8 years, and then before that it had been at least 10 years. 

One would think that someone who doesn't go to the dentist doesn't care about their teeth.  That is so wrong.  I have the worst teeth anxiety. I have this reoccuring dream where all my teeth are falling out.  But they're not falling out, they're just hanging by one piece of flimsy skin and in my dream, Im getting frustrated and I can't keep them all in my mouth. 

I also get really antsy about possible tartar , so I am known to grab a safety pin and poke around and try and scrape stuff off the hard to reach parts near my gums myself.  Actually, Im not known for that, it's something I have done as long as I can remember and it's one of my naughty secrets.  I guess that qualifies for TMI now doesn't it since it's sort of gross.

Well, now that we've gone into TMI territory, who wants to talk about my womanly issues again?  Oh, oh, pick me!! 

I look like I'm 5 months pregnant.   I am not putting a picture up because , unlike everything else, I cannot find the damn humor in this at all.

I heard today that my ex husband told someone that my pissy phase is so bad that he wouldn't even put a professional wrestler in front of me when my switch flips.  And also warned he new wife not to EVER f*** with me. 

That's kind of funny.  I laughed about it but it's kind of embarrassing because it's like temporary insanity for reals.  Anything can set me off, and like I said the other day, when the pressure valve finally pops, I dissolve into anger, then tears, then I curl up in a ball in my bedroom and cry it out.  Approximately 15 minutes later , I stop crying.  About 15 minutes after that I'm fine again and the next day the period usually starts. Then it's gone until next month and I very rarely get pissed off unless I'm provoked.  It can be done, but it takes a lot of irritation and then I finally choose to get mad and express my anger. These PMDD ish meltdowns are much, much worse and very much out of my control. 
(very personal and somewhat troubling details alert...sorry)
When I was going through my divorce, I am ashamed to admit that I didn't handle it well.  I handled it terribly, actually. I had very scary episodes.  Both times , I woke up in the hospital on my period.  So while I definitely had a choice in the matter, these instances were instrumental in figuring out that there might be something going on other than "I'm insane" because I'm not. 

Now that my life is absolutely easier than it was, there is no financial difficulty, there is no emotional difficulty, I am in love, I am loved, and I have friends to support me, all of the controls (much like a science experiment) are set.  I'm stable.  And these meltdowns still happen like clockwork, once every month, a day or two before Aunt Flo shows up.  It's debilitating. It's embarrassing, and yes I feel shame, but there is absolutely nothing I can do. 

My anger today has been simmering.  I found myself firing off smartass texts in response to people and being very short with the kids.  I know it's coming, and I don't feel like crying so hard my eyes are swollen shut.  I have nothing to be crying about!!

I always take a warm bath when my pains get intolerable, and I glanced at my tub today.  I took a cup of tension tamer tea in there.  I have various potions and bottles and bath salts and they're all boasting names that promise to relieve my stress.  I have aromatherapy lavendar, I have tension salts, I have candles, I have aromatherapy candles, I have a cabinet with hot stone massage rocks, I have 3 different lavendar based oils, all aimed at fixing stress and the only time I ever use them is when I deal with this crap.

Nothing makes me feel as good as writing about it does, for some reason.  I dont know who you are, you brave person making it to the bottom of a rant about my period, but thanks for hanging out with me and being a friend.  I feel better already. 

Love You All The Way To The Moon,

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